Stop me if you've heard this one before . . .
Saturday night I had a near-death experience when I put the most foul, most awful, most repulsive substance ever conceived into my mouth. While driving. And I had no place to spit it out.
10:30 at night, while driving home from Chico where I returned my friend Cheryl and her daughters to Grandma's house, I got the bright idea to try a new-to-me candy in my purse. I had been given two of these candies by The Nicest Man In The World, to give to my daughters. (He loves kids, owns a convenience store, and often gives the girls lollipops. Now stop thinking nasty thoughts, you.) The candies in question were Mexican candies, so I knew better than to let the kids pop them into their mouths unless I had tried the candy first. But who would be MY food-tester?
So, zipping along the canal road in the dark, I dug through my purse for six minutes until I found that stupid candy. Popped one into my mouth. Chewed.
Bad idea. INSTANTLY knew it was a bad idea. I couldn't have known what was in the thing because it was too dark to read the wrapper, but later I learned that the hatefulness came from tamarind flavor. The wrapper describes it thus:
"Caramelo con relleno sabor tamarindo," which translates "tamarind-flavored caramel candy with chili." Mmmmmm, boy.
I think I could get them for false advertising. Maybe I could supply an alternate product description for them:
"Tastes like foot odor, if foot odor had a taste, with liberal doses of aspirin and vomit."
So there I was, driving along wondering exactly how long it would take to wolf that puppy down, and would the taste linger in the crevices of my teeth until I could scrub the hell out of my mouth with a Colgate-loaded toothbrush? I stopped to take note of my body during the crisis:
- jaws: chewing like my life depending on it
- fingers: locked in white-knuckle death grips around my steering wheel
- shoulders: hunched as if expecting body blows
- face: contorted in other-worldly grimace of pain
How would I have explained it to the sheriff had I been pulled over for speeding and/or weaving? Probably by foaming at the mouth, spitting while he held my hair back, and gasping, "Rellerindos! Rellerindos!" I think I would have walked.