Foolery

So Whose Idea Was Windows Vista? Crickets . . . Crickets . . .

This is Kelly. Isn't she cute?


 


(Original photo stolen from this guy)

She starred in a few Microsoft commercials this summer. Like this one. Isn't it cute?

This is Foolery, rolling her eyes.  Isn't she cute? (Please don't judge; I still have sinus issues.)

 


I hate commercials with cute kids. Not because they're cute, but because though they may be precocious, they have NO IDEA what the words mean that have been stuffed into their mouths. GAG.

Now THIS is more like it. Microsoft came up with a new campaign to market the new Windows 7, and it's absolutely brilliant.

The theme, in case you couldn't  spot it, is "I'm A PC And Windows 7 Was My Idea." Why is this brilliant, you ask? (You know you were gonna.) I'll tell you why it's brilliant! (You know I'm gonna.)

Because shortly, when Windows 7 proves to be complicated, bloated, slow, and otherwise problematic in the way of past Windows versions (can you tell I'm not a Microsoft fan? That's okay because Mac isn't paying me and I can say whatever I want), Microsoft can blame everything on all of those PCs out there who "invented" Windows 7.

Genius.

I'm A Mac, And Windows 7 Was Not My Idea, So Don't Blame Me.

My New Media Douchebaggery Is Nearly Complete

I have confessed my New Media Douchebaggery before, probably many times.

But now it's almost 100% true!

Yes, my mastery of all media is ratcheting up another notch. Ahem. There are a few of you out there *cough Gubby* who WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS *cough Marcy* but I did it. I just got confirmation that my new, my first ever, cell phone has shipped.

No, Marcy, it's not a Jitterbug. Now you'll have to find something else to tease me about, like maybe chicken feathers on my lawn, for example. In case you think I'm kidding, I'm not.

No, Gubby, it isn't one of these.

 


(Photo stolen this guy)

And Gubby? You just go ahead and tease me about ANYTHING because I have photos of your prodigious facial hair, Rasputin. Like money in the bank.

Looky, isn't it pretty?

 


(Photo stolen from these guys)

At least it is in the advertisement. I went with this model for two reasons. (I know what you're thinking and it's not because it's purple. I would prefer orange.) One, pretty much all of the phones had that big stupid circle button that I don't like (this one does, too) and the only way around that seems to be a smart phone, which I don't need (yet, anyway). So, if I have to get a phone that has a feature I don't like, I may as well get one that has a display that I WILL like. And two, the qwerty keyboard, in case I start to like this texting stuff. This all made sense in my head, somehow, after spending many, many days  weeks  months looking, reading, thinking, and interrogating everyone I know.

I expect the phone any day now. If you want to call me to prove to yourself that I really can use a cell phone, e-mail me and I just might give you my cell number, unless you're selling something, in which case forget it.

Please feel free to welcome me to the 1990s. Next up: iPod.

I Have Minion Breath

I'm back, reveling in a quiet house that's tidy and almost clean (in an almost sort of way), and starting to work out the stuff I want to tell you about our stay at the Gaia Hotel in Anderson (the Cliff Notes version: LOVED IT). But I'm in this sort of argument with a friend over minions.

Yes, minions, and my claim to them. I say I have minions. My friend Dan Leadbetter, he says, NO WAY JOSE, you do not have minions. I thought about crying so I could put this argument in my WIN column and move on, but then I thought to myself, Self? -- that'd be me talking to me -- Self? You do SO have minions! And we can prove it to Dan. We can't Slim Jim Dan, since while he Twitters and podcasts and Facebooks he doesn't yet blog (unless I missed something?) so we can't exactly Slim Jim him . . . but we can do something else.

If you're, you know, up for it, and, you know, you have the time and stuff, and you're feeling like minions and all . . .

I want you to vote for Dan.

Or, if you don't want to do that, Twitter the link to vote for Dan. Or, if you're REALLY generous, you could do both. Skywriting is a nice touch, too. Or perhaps a phone tree. Let's show him that I HAVE MINIONS! Darnitall.

Dan is someone I've known since high school, and he's one of those special people who lights up a room, much the way that lighting a fart lights up a room. No-no-no-no-no, I meant that Dan gives off an inner light and draws people to him like moths to a flame . . . so what we have here is:

Dan attracts moths. Dan is a woolly, glowing guy who attracts moths.

This isn't working. Can you tell I'm tired? Also, too? I had cereal for dinner. Please send help, Minions.


(Photo stolen from maxintosh at Flickr)

OKAY.

Please, if you are so inclined, click this link, go watch this one-minute video, which is Dan's on-line job application

TO A WINERY

(yes, I knew that would get your attention, most of you)

and we will PROVE to Dan that

I HAVE MINIONS.

Vote once using each e-mail address that you have! I can't vote anymore or I would. Dan would make a fantastic marketing person for Murphy-Goode Winery. Of course, I have no way of counting all y'all, but I plan to take FULL CREDIT for ANY votes that Dan gets in the next couple of days.



Dan, if you're reading this? Knock 'em dead, Dude! And let's do lunch. I'll have my minions contact your minions.

Dope Slap: How We Should REALLY Be Using Twitter

After a year and a half playing around with Twitter, I finally understand its most important use:

Bragging.

It's so simple -- why didn't I think of it before?

Oh, you don't believe me? Well, how about some examples?

Here's a sentence I will never, ever write (for one, because it isn't true, and for two, because how snooty does THIS sound just hanging out in the air?):
I drive a late-model Bentley.

Well, with Twitter, you can impart that same critical piece of information like this:
Off 2 the Bentley dealership 4 scheduled maintenance -- tweet ya later!

And change THIS:
I'm vacationing in Dubai, AGAIN.

to THIS:
Because of the time difference here in Dubai I'll B tweeting in the middle of your night; back 2 normal in 3 weeks, Tweeps!

And while a person could be bitchslapped for THIS:
I am really thin and wear bikinis in public.

No one will hassle you for THIS:
In dressing room. 411 on [BRAND X] bikinis, Tweeps: they run large, so I'll bump down from my usual size 0 to a size -2.



Also, beginning Tweets with "Oh crap" adds to the general air of bemused ding-a-ling, who couldn't POSSIBLY be taken as a braggart, right?

• Oh crap, my MENSA membership dues are due next week.

• Oh crap, I left my other Prada bag at the Ritz Carlton -- at least it wasn't my favorite!

• Oh crap, I missed a call from Guy Kawasaki.

Broadcasts of good news on Twitter should begin with the acronym OMG ("Oh My GAHHHHHH!"). When you have to tell someone but can't find anyone, these Tweets take the place of tapping your janitor on the shoulder while he mops to tell him --

• OMG, my BF bought me a tennis bracelet, and this time there were no tennis balls on it!

• OMG, THE TEST WAS NEGATIVE!

• OMG, I JUST GOT CARDED!*

So, okay, Twitter, I get you now. Bragging without sounding like you're bragging. Far out. Now I just have to find something to not brag about.

BRB.


*For the purposes of full disclosure, the author wishes it known that this was, essentially, one of her own Tweets recently. Ahem.

OMG, follow me on Twitter -- @foolery!

Taking the "Social" Out of "Social Media"

Or, "I'm No Twitter Snob; I'm a Twitter Curmudgeon"

Watch this video by this (most likely) very-nice-but-misguided man, Perry Belcher.  There are many pictures.  There could be a quiz.

His thesis?  "Don't be a snob on any social medium like Twitter [or, presumably, Facebook or MySpace].  Befriend all who ask you, follow everyone automatically."

Whaaaaa?

Is this guy serious?  Okay, I'm about to get cranked up on a rant here, so hold your ears firmly to your heads for a minute.

Here's his question:  "Are yooooooooou . . . a Twitter Snob?"

My answer:  Yes!  Guddammit, yes!  YES I AM!

His complaint:  Kevin Rose, founder of Digg.com, has 77,701 followers on Twitter, and he follows only 120, because he's a big shot, while Guy Kawasaki of alltop.com is a great guy because he follows almost all of his 34,000 minions.

Me:  DO YOU HONESTLY THINK EITHER ONE OF THEM GIVES A HOO-HAW ABOUT YOU, "FRIENDED" OR NOT?  I don't think so.

Part of his statement:  "If you're gonna make it in social media -- if you're gonna help your business, help your personality --"

Me:  Wait -- stop right there.  "Gonna make it"?!  I am NOT playing Mary Tyler Moore here.  I am not trying to get on a TV show.  I am not trying to add to my Christmas list or get on some social media hall of fame or win a free phone.  In fact, on days like today I can't remember why I AM involved in social media, and I'm hip deep, my friends.

Him:  ". . . you gotta show them you care . . . "

Me:  I DON'T CARE!  I DON'T I DON'T I DON'T!

Him:  "I can't believe that anyone could be that arrogant and mean . . . "

Me:  You obviously have never seen Philadelphia sports fans.

Him:  "You don't have to be a Twitter jackass."

Me:  No, obviously it's fairly easy to be a YouTube Jackass instead.

Him:  "Just go get a second Twitter account."  [in order to follow your real-life friends exclusively]

Me:  Who the hell has that kind of time?  Following 6000+ people, and adding a second account?  WHAT IS THE GAIN?  Jeebus, all I want to do is find out what a few friends are up to, read the funny wisecracks from Merlin Mann, John Hodgman, Marcywrites and Bejewell and Mommypie and a few more, and leave smartass comments that I can't get away with in front of my children or at the office.  That's it!  No, I really don't want to know about your PMS.  No, I really don't care if this is your third glass of wine and does that make you a bad person?  Sorry, if this makes me a Twitter Snob, or a Social Media Reject, then so be it.  I claim it.  It also means NOTHING, because anyone who takes the time to reach out to me in a real way knows that I am not such a curmudgeon, not such a grump.  I just play one on TV.

And it's not "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," and I won't be throwing my hat.

One Hour On Twitter: An Opera

Tuesday afternoon on Twitter was a lively one. If you aren't familiar with Twitter, this is a taste of it. You "follow" the people, institutions, businesses, etc. who interest you, and you can read their 140-character text messages on a time line. Among others, I follow NPR, C-SPAN, The New Yorker, and NBC White House cameraman newmediajim.  Well, this was one frantic hour of Twitter, a sublime mixture of critical and trivial, a surreal tragicomic opera, so I just had to share it. It's rather experimental in flavor, so my apologies if this totally misses.

A few things to know first:

1. I made minor visual changes to reduce clutter, and I reversed the order, so it reads top-to-bottom like most posts (Twitter usually reads bottom-to-top).

2. Strong language warning (I altered no text whatsoever, so be forewarned).

3. I cut out only commercial business deal "Tweets." They cluttered up the story without adding anything.

4. Queen of Spain is reporting for her blog and BlogHer from the Democratic National Convention in Denver. Shortly after the last "Tweet" I recorded here, the poor girl passed out in the CNN tent from apparent altitude sickness and was tended to by paramedics. She recovered, but so much for the reporter not becoming the story!

5. My Twitter address is http://twitter.com/foolery, if you'd like to follow me.

*     *     *     *     *

  MissRFTC I am so upset. I think Teen Spirit deodorant discontinued the "Caribbean Cool" scent in favor of "Pop Star." about 1 hour ago from web

  QueenofSpain Back live when HRC comes out in a min about 1 hour ago from  TwitterBerry

  birdonawire55 @playgroupie your camera? You said you were having issues with it about 1 hour ago from  twhirl in reply to playgroupie

  playgroupie @birdonawire55 My camera is a Canon XSi. I'm hoping the problem is just the card. about 1 hour ago from  twhirl in reply to birdonawire55

  QueenofSpain Maloney just 'had a dream' about Clington being a supreme court justice about 1 hour ago from  TwitterBerry

  QueenofSpain One more speaker before Clinton_ hurry! I need to get to CNN  about 1 hour ago from  TwitterBerry

  birdonawire55 @playgroupie its a software issue. Check on the canon site for flash updates for the hardware, and troubleshoot it there. I had one do the about 1 hour ago from  twhirl in reply to playgroupie

  BreakingNewsOn BREAKING NEWS -- THE FEDERAL AVIATION ADMINISTRATION TELLS US A "COMPUTER GLITCH" IS CAUSING MASSIVE DELAYS. DETAILS SOON. -- BREAKING NEWS  about 1 hour ago from web

  playgroupie @birdonawire55 I'll check it out, thank you! about 1 hour ago from  twhirl in reply to birdonawire55

  BreakingNewsOn The FAA tells us that a massive computer failure is causing flight delays throughout the United States; awaiting more details. about 1 hour ago from web

  newmediajim UH OH! FAA computer problems. look for big delays in flights this afternoon at more than two dozen airports nationwide about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 Managed to do the impossible. Vaccumed hair. It is stuck. SEROUSLY stuck in vaccum. a Dyson Animal no less. Probably not what the TV ads..  about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 ..Had in mind when it said it handled all kinds of animal hair. Not as painful as one would imagine. A Tad scary though. Hubby is out of... about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 town on business. Eldest daughter at work. Imp at Montesorri. Am either going to have to cut most of left side of hair off, or call 911. about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 I don't know the neighbours that well. I wonder if they'd come if I screamed really loud. But I'm kinda laughing because I mean, how many... about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 ..times in your life do you get to see a fat lady with most of her hair stuck in her vacuum cleaner attachment? It IS a little funny.  about 1 hour ago from web

abitsquirrelly @ameribrit68 OMG How did you get your hair in the vacuum?? about 1 hour ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

  QueenofSpain Clinton live about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry

  AmeriBrit68 Am crying Uncle. Calling 911 because I can't get the attachment hose/tube disconneted from the vacuum. about 1 hour ago from web

  newmediajim hmmm wires are saying that FAA site reporting these delays, but nothing on the site that i can see http://www.fly.faa.gov/flyf... about 1 hour ago from web

  abitsquirrelly Okay so trying to not be irritated and reminding myself that it is only for three days, but $25 a day to feed and change a toddler??  about 1 hour ago from web

  abitsquirrelly I am totally being taken advantage of. It's a good thing I love him and he is cute. about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 At least am not bleeding to death. On hold with local 911 who now has to transfer me to county 911 because we are unincorporated. WTF does.. about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 ..that mean? @abitsquirrelly I bent down to pick a sock up off the floor and the vacuum got greedy and tried to eat me. Is now ... about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 ...choking on my hair. about 1 hour ago from web

  abitsquirrelly Bardolf and the loaner baby are napping. Muirne is zoning. Swimming in the morning is my gift from the universe for my sanity about 1 hour ago from web

  BreakingNewsOn A communication failure at a Georgia facility that processes flight plans is preventing flights from taking off; no contact lost with planes  about 1 hour ago from web

  abitsquirrelly @AmeriBrit68 HOLY SHIT!!! And it's not like you could have left a sock on the floor because Casey would eat it and then there would be barf about 1 hour ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

  AmeriBrit68 Fuck me sideways. Still on hold. How do I explain this to professionally trained police dispatcher? about 1 hour ago from web

  QueenofSpain Secret service has me stuck about 1 hour ago from  TwitterBerry

  abitsquirrelly If they don't laugh they are the picture of composure. You should try and get a neighbor to come over and help you in the mean time  about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 @abitsquirrelly it is pathetic to admit this, but I'd take the suckage over the pukage....ANY DAY. about 1 hour ago from web in reply to abitsquirrelly

  abitsquirrelly @AmeriBrit68 Yeah I kinda understand. Kinda like how I have to hose down Lizzard and the kennel every time I get home because she messed about 1 hour ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

  AmeriBrit68 This is a tad uncomfortable. Head at angle. Going to have a bitch of a crick on my neck later. Possibly very short hair too. I may cry.  about 1 hour ago from web

  abitsquirrelly @AmeriBrit68 At least short hair is in. I am trying to make you laugh. I don't really think it is very funny. about 1 hour ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

  AmeriBrit68 ANd it will no doubt make the police blotter in the paper. Can't wait to read it. Meg will be thankful she leaves for college on Sat.  about 1 hour ago from web

abitsquirrelly @AmeriBrit68 is it stuck around the rollers??? about 1 hour ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

  AmeriBrit68 WTF. what if I were bleeding to death? I am STILL on hold. The scissors are looking VERY tempting. about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 @abitsquirrelly yes. propped vaccum upside down. leaning against desk. I am screwed if it slides. about 1 hour ago from web in reply to abitsquirrelly

  AmeriBrit68 Its kind of like when a little girl wants to brush your hair, and ends up twirling your hair in the brush and getting it tangled...except... about 1 hour ago from web

  BreakingNewsOn A passenger plane at Rotterdam Airport has been evacuated because of an unspecified threat; 3 people arrested. about 1 hour ago from web

  birdonawire55 @AmeriBrit68 turn it off? about 1 hour ago from  twhirl in reply to AmeriBrit68

  AmeriBrit68 she does it with a power tool that has massive sucking force of black hole. about 1 hour ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 @birdonwire it IS! I yanked cord. oh a PEZRSON on phone! about 1 hour ago from web

  abitsquirrelly @AmeriBrit68 OMG! Oh wait! Crap if you can get a neighbor to come over have them take the plate off the bottom and take the roller out about 1 hour ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

  abitsquirrelly When I say roller I mean brush thingy about 1 hour ago from web

  technosailor FAA computer problems affecting flights in Eastern US. We should start a pool on if I actually get home today. 44 minutes ago from web

  QueenofSpain Rushing to get to cnn. Trying to make it on live after 2pm. DAMN YOU SECRET SERVICE!!!!! 41 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

  technosailor Maybe if my flight is delayed in Denver and I have to stay overnight, I can go play in the tear gas down by the Pepsi Center. That's fun!  40 minutes ago from web

  birdonawire55 My Favorite Things...a la Letterman starts today http://snurl.com/3k0kx 38 minutes ago from twhirl

  nprnews Communication Glitch Causes Major Airport Delays http://tinyurl.com/59r49o 35 minutes ago from  twitterfeed

  olympicsnews Decathlete Relives Olympic Gold Medal http://tinyurl.com/69ae43 35 minutes ago from  twitterfeed

  AmeriBrit68 Oh for fucks sake! I said NO sirens! 35 minutes ago from web

  AmeriBrit68 What the hell, TWO fire trucks, an ambulance, and three police cars? I'm not on fire, I'M STUCK! 34 minutes ago from web

shastafires  Firefighters battle fire; Turtle Bay evacuated: Firefighters are battling an aggressive vegetation fi.. http://tinyurl.com/5dveon 33 minutes ago from  twitterfeed

shastafires Shasta: city of redding major fire: Large veg working off of Lake Blvd, lots of evacs in process in t.. http://tinyurl.com/6btmhp 33 minutes ago from twitterfeed

shastafires Re: Shasta: city of redding major fire: Caltrans camera photos of fire: http://www.dot.ca.gov/dist2... http://tinyurl.com/5swfn7 33 minutes ago from twitterfeed

shastafires Re: Shasta: city of redding major fire: Started behind Lake and Masonic in the canyon, it has jumped .. http://tinyurl.com/5zcb4s 33 minutes ago from twitterfeed

birdonawire55 @AmeriBrit68 lmvao...I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself... 33 minutes ago from twhirl in reply to AmeriBrit68

birdonawire55 @AmeriBrit68 I'm subscribing to your local paper now! 32 minutes ago from twhirl in reply to AmeriBrit68

abitsquirrelly @AmeriBrit68 OH MY GOD. I can't believe they sent that many people! They take vacuuming seriously! My kind of 911! 30 minutes ago from web in reply to AmeriBrit68

BreakingNewsOn At least 6 people have been killed, and 20 others injured, after a strong gas explosion struck a hotel in Islamabad, Pakistan - local media. 30 minutes ago from web

abitsquirrelly @birdonawire55 @ameribrit68 I know I am trying really hard not to laugh. I just hope you are alright! 30 minutes ago from web in reply to birdonawire55

birdonawire55 happy tuesday....more faves on Wednesday....check it out! 29 minutes ago from twhirl

CityMama   http://twitpic.com/94fz - Officially a first grader. Awwww! 29 minutes ago from TwitPic

acarvin Breaking: News of "communications breakdown" at FAA flight center delays thousands of passengers, forcing Led Zeppelin song into their heads 27 minutes ago from web

QueenofSpain In a shuttle begging the driver to skip the other stops to get me to pepsi center and cnn 22 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

bejewell @ameribrit68 WTF? I'm gone for less than an hour and you've got the police and fire engines pulling your hair outta the sucker? 18 minutes ago from mobile web in reply to AmeriBrit68

QueenofSpain Cnn.com with anchor melissa long- I am arriving at the cnn grill! 14 minutes ago from TwitterBerry

CityMama   http://twitpic.com/94ig - There may be gold in them thar hills, but this little 49er didn't find much of it. 10 minutes ago from TwitPic

redneckmommy Thinking of soft mattresses and warm temperatures.  8 minutes ago from twhirl

halushki School starts tomorrow. Spent day decluttering and clearing out summer. *sniff sniff* 7 minutes ago from web

What are you doing?

p.s. Read the whole hilarious story of poor Auds' (AmeriBrit68) vacuum ordeal here. Then leave her a comment and make her feel better!

A Warning

Dear Fellow Bloggers and Readers of Blogs,

Whatever you do, DON'T EVER turn off your SafeSearch setting when looking for a photo that may or may not involve skinny dipping.

AACK.

Now I need my brain sand blasted.

Sorry, folks, nothing to see here; I spent the evening looking for photos for a special post, and burned my retinas on the very special photos I found.  I've put out a tin cup for alms.  Or sandwiches -- whatever you can spare.

I'll be back with something mediocre when my sight returns and my face unfreezes from Ick Face.

Love,

Laurie

Welcome to Web 3.14159 . . .

I am a New Media Douchebag.

I've tried to avoid it, but couldn't.  Then I denied it, like this: "How could I, who don't even have a CELL PHONE, fer cryin' out loud, be a New Media ANYTHING?!" but that didn't hold water.  Lately I've been explaining it, and sometimes even defending it, but there's no way around it:

I am a New Media Douchebag.

First, you should watch this video to understand (I've posted it before, but I'm shameless, so I'm posting it again):

(I have a YouTube account just so you know.)

Once upon a time I joined an on-line Zooropa forum, which was fun, but which erupted in catfights way too often, and the place was eventually shut down in favor of a moderated site with an annual membership fee.  Bye-bye.

Of course I needed a photo account, so I got three -- ImageStation, Photoworks and Shutterfly.  Do I actually do anything with my digital photos anymore?  Not really.

After that I joined MySpace, first in the guise of a loaf of french bread, and then as a version of myself.  Eventually I added another fantasy character who cracked wise a lot and was all about bad perms and cheap wine.  Maybe I should amend the word "fantasy" there.  Well, so, if I had a MySpace site I definitely needed Photobucket and Snapvine accounts, so of course, I set those up, too.

But on MySpace I was a victim of other people's content, and I'm somewhat of a control freak, so I started a blog.  (Yes, I know, you can blog on MySpace, but very few people read it when I did, most preferring the glitter graphics which read Have An Awesome Day, BFF! or You're Purrrrrrfect or I'm Not Wearing Any Underwear or stuff like that.)

PimpMySpaceOnline.com

So my friend -- and when I say friend I can only mean GUBBY -- talked me into getting a Pownce account.  For large file sharing.  You know, photos and audio and video and all of the things I DON'T do since I started writing.  But, okay, I have a Pownce account.

Of course it didn't end there.

Since starting a blog I have added Statcounter, Twitter, Google Adsense, Pandora and Lijit.  I have a Technorati authority and I don't even know what that is.  Sites that I have joined but lost interest immediately include LinkedIn, Buy a Blogger, Reunion.com, and several that I can't even remember.  I've tried to start Skitch but can't because of a needed upgrade that I don't see happening because I'm lay-hay-hay-hazy, and Disqus requires the Cadillac custom blog, which I'm sorry but I'm just NOT going to pay for.  At this time, ahem.

(Logo stolen from jcsizmadi on Flickr)

So yes, Gubby, I am a New Media Douchebag, and it's all your fault.  Happy?

At least I didn't write that in 140 characters or fewer.