Foolery

Some Quality Time With My Stats

Having a tiny little stats problem here at Foolery.  Here's what my stats look like since the end of May:

Well, at least SOMEBODY'S pretty happy about my stats.

I should be so lucky.

Whoa Nelly

I just found out three things.

One, there is a beautifully-designed blog called An Island Life.

Two, the Blogmistress there, Kailani, has created the 2008 Bloggy Hoss Elections, and the polls will close on the 12th.  Many cool blogs are nominated.  Few will win.

Three Foolery is up for a nomination.

Yeah, I KNOW, that's what I said, too!  Except my version had the word HOLY in front.

So, if you're feeling curious about who's gonna wipe up the floor with Foolery, head on over to An Island Life and check it out.  Only she's asked that people submit their votes by clicking "Contact Me" and typing your message to her with your votes.  I did, and yes, I shamelessly voted for myself.

Oh, and also?  The particular award Foolery was nominated for is Class Clown.  I guess Most Likely to Suck Seeds was already taken.

The Good, the Bad and the Foolery

To wrap up Blog Week, I'm posting links to twelve of my favorite posts from my first few months of Foolery.  They've never been seen by human eyes other than mine.  This is it!  This is their big debut!  It's so like the first week of American Idol (at least, I think so, having never seen American Idol)!  From goat poop to rhubarb and everything in between!

Please don't gong me.  That is how American Idol works, right?

*     *     *     *     *

Bad Spanish

Shopping With Children 

Those Aren't Raisinettes 

Aloha 'Oe, Until We meet Again 

Beautiful Beautiful Moments 

Consciousness 

Be-Bop-a-Re-Bop, Rhubarb Pie

Green Eggs and Ham Deconstructed 

The Toddler Question 

Mean Laurie 

You COULD Make This Stuff Up, But No One Would Buy It 

How to Put a Child Down For Sleep 

*     *     *     *     *

I've seen several blogs that feature their top ten posts, or their favorite posts, or some such.  I think it's a great idea, and I think I'll do it, too, just as soon as Typepad dumps the SLOW AND INSUFFERABLE NEW COMPOSING PAGE (for the second time).  Anybody want to join me?  Let me know if you do!

Edited to add Be-Bop-a-Re-Bop, Rhubarb Pie back in, since Typepad's fancy-schmancy new compose page ATE IT.  AARRGGHH!!

Blog Week: The Bloggywood Awards

Thursday's blog: a challenge.  (And forgive me, because this was supposed to be Wednesday's blog, but I got too hung up in stuff last night and couldn't write over my lunch hour today.)

Here's the challenge:  Go find three of your newer favorite blogs and leave them an award.  Let them know you appreciate them.  Here are the three awards, and the bloggers upon whom I am bestowing them:

To Mommy Pie, who made me laugh from the get-go (and continues to make me laugh, and sometimes even think, but let's talk about the laughing):


















To Sarah at OK . . . Where Was I?  Because that woman is a blogging outlaw if ever I've met one, holding back no sordid detail and taking no prisoners, holding her readers down and making us laugh until we say UNCLE or cry:



















And to Chesapeake Bay Woman at Life in Mathews:















For being older than old in all the important things, while seeing her unique world through the eyes of a little kid (who's probably got a slingshot in her pocket and gravel in her fist).

So the challenge is to bestow an award upon three of your favorite bloggers (which is HAAAARD to narrow down, I know) but be creative.  Award 36 bloggers.  Make up your own awards.  Steal someone else's.  Use these three awards, or maybe some of my past awards, which make absolutely no sense and which I'd blame on prescription meds if I could, but I can't . . .










































Just get out there and spread a little Christmas Cheer.   Or Hanukkah Happies.  And I'm all out of alliteration so yer on yer own.

Blog Week: I'm With Groucho

(Photo stolen from these guys)






That's what Groucho said, but I wish I'd said it.  It has become part of my blogging philosophy.

There are many ways to approach blogging.  I started by writing, hoping people found me, and e-mailing my link to all 60 of the people who used to read my e-mails.  Well, they said they read my e-mails anyway; I suspect they were trying to spare my feelings because my hit count was painfully low my first year, and my comments were nearly non-existent.  Go look at some of my early posts, and you'll see what I mean.

A better way to increase your traffic is by reading other people's blogs and commenting fairly often.  You all know this; most of you practice this with your own blogs.  Yet all the good advice in the world from my friend Gubby couldn't convince me to go read other blogs.  My excuse was always, "I don't have time."  I was right -- I didn't have time.  You all know how much time it takes to read other blogs, right?  But what I didn't know was that Gubby was absolutely right.*  Reading and commenting and generally making a nuisance of oneself is a great way to interest people in your blog, unless of course you annoy other bloggers to the point of a restraining order, which hasn't happened to me yet, as far as you know.  Besides, reading other peoples' blogs has brought me rich experiences and new friends (and I can actually say "friends" and mean it, I think, which is strange and wonderful all at the same time).

Still another way to increase your readership and connect with other people of similar interests is to join a blog group.  I won't name any here, because I know only a few, and I don't wish to write about things I really know diddly about.  But this is where I hit a wall every time.  Some of my fellow bloggers are named Jessica and Sarah and Debbie, and they would be welcome to join some of the more prominent blogging groups, I believe.  But bloggers David and Jason and Bob -- would they be accepted?  I can only assume not, and it's a gender issue.  Now, maybe I'm wrong and men are perfectly welcome to join in women's blog associations.  But would they want to -- or would I?  Some of my favorite people in the world are men.  I didn't join Brownies or Girl Scouts or a sorority in college, and I'm still not interested in segregating myself according to gender.  (That sentence sounded like it ended with a nyahh nyahh, but it really didn't.)

So I'm interested to know people's opinions of blog groups -- have you joined one, or more than one?  Has it been a good experience?  Do you think I'm totally from another planet and need to quit sucking my thumb and get a life?  It was not my intention to offend anyone for their choices, and I hope you will straighten me out if I'm way off-base.  If there's a good blog circle out there at which all are welcome, hey, I'll give it a look.  But I might not join, because . . . you know . . . Groucho . . .


*Crap.  I hate it when that happens.

Blog Week: Why Blog?

It's Blog Week here at Foolery!

I've been knocking this around for some time now, but it's eluded me thus far. 



Foolery, the blog, was started because I couldn't make a proper baby book if my life depended on it.  (I still have the aborted attempt, a darling book which is so NOT my style in the first place that I think I may have deliberately sabotaged my own efforts.)  Instead of writing down weight gains and taping hair samples into a book, I e-mailed my family and friends about my experiences.  Smedley's slow start, my excruciating first five months of breast-feeding (I'm nothing if not stubborn), her first solid food, the first time she called me a DUMBASS while I was on the phone with Gubby* (oh yes she did, and we DON'T use that word and couldn't figure out where she picked it up, being no more than three or four) -- you know, all the precious memories -- were typed up and e-mailed to about 60 different people.  It occurred to me that it would be nice to have them all archived somewhere, and voila! Foolery was born.

I chose Typepad for my new blog home and have been pleased with it.  I had heard there were free blog hosting sites but I never even looked for them; my reasoning was that if it were free it would be too easy to slack, or walk away altogether, and I didn't want to do either of those things.  My goal was 3-4 posts per week, and more would be a bonus, and I have exceeded that goal in the nearly 2 1/2 years I've been blogging.  I can't remember another goal in my life for which I have exceeded my own expectations.

As far as content, Foolery was entirely for me, and still is.  I set my own rules: no identifiable photos of my children, or of anyone else's children; nicknames for everyone unless I have their permission, ridiculous nicknames where possible.  I'm more than willing to make a fool of myself, and if I don't at least once a week, I'm not trying hard enough.



I try to avoid most political, religious and philosophical topics, but I will wade in once in a while.  I have deleted very few comments entirely (only SPAM and one long ago that I perceived as a kind of threat).  I edit only comments which target another of my readers in an aggressive way.  Occasionally I worry that I didn't go far enough with my editing pen, but just as often I worry that I went too far.  Freedom of commenting is something I value.

Having readers is very exciting to me -- let's face it, if I didn't want people to read what I'm writing I wouldn't pay to put it out in public, right?  Comments make my day, and I read every one (of course).  I try hard to visit the site of every blogger who bothers to stop in and say hi.  I have "met" so many interesting, funny, and wonderful people out there, and my only regret is that the more blogs I visit the less time I have to savor the favorites I've cultivated already.  It's a hard balance to achieve.

Mrs. G at Derfwad Manor wrote a great post about blogging the other day, which I encourage you to go read.  She's eminently readable, as well as smart, warm and screamingly funny.  She currently has about 350 visitors a day, though she's been doing this less than a year, I think.  Still, it takes guts to post numbers, so hats off.  My current readership is about 150-170 a day, but my average from day one is only 31 hits per day (and how many of those were ME, obsessively checking stuff?).  Sobering.

So my question for you is, tell me about your blog: why you blog, why you don't blog, what's your philosophy, or whatever you wish to talk about.  You can answer in the comments -- don't worry if it's long; I never do! -- or answer on your own blog, and be sure to drop the link here for me.  I would like to know.

The rest of the week I'll write about my blogging philosophy a bit more, plus revisit some of my favorite posts ever, which no one read because they were back in The Dark Ages: The Days Before Anyone Read Foolery.

*STOP LAUGHING, GUBBY -- YOU'RE NOT HELPING!

Dear Bossy

I'm no longer on Bossy's Excellent Road Trip. 

I removed myself from the festivities last week, officially, although I have been fairly sure for several weeks that I would not make the trip down to San Francisco next week.  If you read blogs you have probably heard of Bossy, or at least of her massive blogger road trip, in progress as we speak.  This is one spirited and brave woman, to drive all over the country, excluding the Midatlantic states and New England (she'll do those next month) in 35 grueling days.  Alone.  Meeting strangers.  Tired.  Stiff.  Alternating between profound boredom and overstimulation.  I can't even imagine it.

And yet, Bossy presses on.  As I write this she is spending the night in Oklahoma with superstar blogger Ree the Pioneer Woman.  Did you feel it?  The earth tipped just a little bit from having two such stellar bloggers together at the same latitude/longitude.

So if Bossy can cover all those miles in more than a month of constant travel, why can't I travel three hours down to The City to meet her?

I've been wrestling with this, and aside from several practical reasons (money, time off work, deciding between holing up in a motel room or driving home in the middle of the night, who'll watch my children until I get home, etc.), there's one thing I keep coming back to:  I don't really want to.

There is something to be said for keeping stars at arm's reach, and Bossy is a star of the blog world.  I LOVE Elvis Costello, John Irving and David Sedaris, for instance, but since the chance for a meaningful exchange with any of them would be minimal, and the chance of me making a fool of myself would be frighteningly high, I really don't want to meet any of them.  At least not at a party.

So, Bossy, it is with regret and the greatest respect that I have to decline your invitation to party with the Bay Area bloggers.  I know you'll all have a fantastic time, and I'm having a great time following your progress.

I'll keep the home fires burning, and the incomprehensible comments, too.

New Media Douchebags in Plain English

Wow, I just figured out how to embed html, after only 26 months.  I'm a genius.

 

Watch this little video and see if you know anybody who fits this description.  Unfortunately, I see too much of this in myself these days.

Blog Goons Be Damned

Wow, I got a blog award this weekend!  And YOU BET I'm puttin' it up, Miss Hallie, because I don't expect I'll be getting another one of these any time soon!  Thank you so, so much.



The rules, apparently, include my awarding ten blogs this coveted "E Rating Award," without naming Hallie's blog -- The Wonderful World of Wieners -- in the process, because she has already received an E award.  This will not be easy to do.  First of all, I would definitely include WWOW on the list if I were allowed to, but since I'm not sure if Blog Goons will come to my house and mess up my living room for noncompliance, I'll play along.  Sorry, Hallie, I would if I could!


Photo stolen from **Smiles** on Flickr



I read many blogs, and I'm not known for making good decisions (and if you doubt that, you have some "Adventures of Nick Asshat"  reading to catch up on).  How on earth will I choose?  Well, you'll just have to stay tuned, because I plan to award the "E for Excellent" blog award to ten blogs some time this week.  Could I BE any more vague?

I could try.

I Got Nuthin' Today

Made this last year.  Probably shared this already.  Oh well, I've been writing all night for my other blog and I'm dry.

If you'd like to check out what I was wasting my time over writing, check out Reasonably Educated Bumpkins. 

Now Playing at a Blog Near You

I have a story for you.

 

Well, I WISH I could say it were my story, but I can't, because it isn't.  I've heard this story several times and it never fails to make me laugh.  It's called "Bum-sagne."  You pronounce it like you would lasagne, only with a BUM in there somewhere. 

 

You know that friend or family member that you have -- everybody has at least one, I think -- who always has the most interesting stories?  Who seems to have lead a much fuller life than you, even if you're the same age?  For me that friend is Cheryl, my best friend since age six.  And Cheryl is the author of  -- the one who lived to tell about -- Bum-sagne.

Cheryl in the late 1970s.

Cheryl in the '80s.  Who could possibly have doctored this photo?

 

Cheryl in the '90s, and still a hippy chick.

 

Cheryl in this decade.

 

If I could just drag the stories out of her you'd all be rolling on the floor.  Do me a favor, will you?  Go to her blog and kick her in the butt and tell her to WRITE MORE, ALREADY!

 

Enjoy Bum-sagne -- I always do.

Almost as much as a good butt-kicking.

 

Wouldn't You Like to Be a Twitter Too?

How many of you use Twitter out there -- raise your hands?  Okay -- one, two, three -- okay, none.  Well, I'm going to tell you about Twitter.  Bear with me, because even though I've been using it for about six weeks now, I'm still trying to maximize its utility and functionality.  In English:  I haven't a flippin' clue what it can do, but I'm working on it.

 

Here's how it works (I think):  you go to the Twitter home page and create an account.  Once you have an account, you're going to need friends (known at Twitter as your followers and people you follow.  That's not creepy at all).  I had only one friend for three weeks -- that'd be ijefff, the man who kicked and screamed until I agreed to "grow up" and "stop being a baby" and "get my thumb out of my mouth" and lots of other things I dare not print.  Yes, ijefff is actually a motivational speaker by trade.

 

Whether you opt for the friends or not, you can still start using Twitter right away.  Here is my first post ever on Twitter:

 

I am digesting, at the moment. Shall I be more specific? I thought not. 12:25 PM October 23, 2007 from web

 

 

A masterpiece of brevity and charm.  And speaking of brevity, that's kind of a built-in rule at Twitter.  The big text box at the top of your home page with the blinking cursor is where you type your latest thought or bodily function update -- but it cannot exceed 140 characters.  That's a huge problem for someone as verbose as Yours Truly.  Probably no problem for anyone who has ever sent a text message, but that doesn't include me; I'm trying to handle one piece of shiny new technology at a time, peoples.

 

So now that you have your new Twitter account, how will you use it once you have informed the world of your gastrointestinal progress six times and are feeling restless?  Go up to the top right menu and find PUBLIC TIMELINE.  This button takes you to recent public updates, where you can check on your fellow Twits.  Twitterers?  Tw-- never mind.  You will learn things there like this little gem, posted less than five seconds ago:

 

brasssong About to start my weekend. Finishing up Christmas Shopping less than 5 seconds ago from web

 

 

I can sleep better tonight, knowing this.  Or this:

 

Akula This salad from Wendy's kinda sucks. less than 10 seconds ago from web

 

*Sigh*  There goes that lucrative Wendy's advertising contract I was working on.  But I like to use it to advertise my own special brand of inanity -- right, my blogs.  So, every time I post to one of my blogs, I run right over to Twitter and try to think up something cute and catchy -- 140 words or less, including my blog link -- that will compel hoards of potential new fans to flock to Foolery or Bumpkins to find out

just

what

I'm

thinking

about

today.

This would work better if I had more followers.  Currently, I have four people who CLAIM to watch my every move:  ijefff (you remember my friend ijefff, the Texas high school football coach?), fbtown (who is the public relations arm of Facebook, I believe), JohnMcCain43 (who may or may not be running for president), and FartSurvey (who is DEFINITELY running for president, and who may also be ijefff in disguise).

So.  Since many of my readers are bloggers as well, I'd like to encourage you to start a Twitter account.  Promote your blog!  Serialize your lower G.I. tract happenings!  Come be a Twit with me!

And you should all follow ijefff -- make him watch over his shoulder.  At least, I think he's a man.

The Donkey Awards

I read a number of great blogs every day.  Some make me think (so I read those when I'm at my sharpest -- for the five minutes after I eat lunch), most make me laugh, and a handful make me laugh out loud and make donkey noises.  When I read those blogs I make sure I have no liquid refreshments anywhere near my mouth.

 

I'd like to honor the blogs I read regularly.  Here they are in alphabetical order; you should check these out, unless, of course, you don't like to make donkey noises:

 

• Beta Mom's Blog
• Confessions of a Pioneer Woman
• Deus Ex Malcontent (this blog, unlike mine, is written at a COLLEGE LEVEL; enter at your own risk)
• i am bossy
• JustJessie
• Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians (I don't really need to explain this one, do I?)
• St. Fairsted Farm
• Stony Creek Digest (currently on a blogging vacation as his new baby settles into a routine)
• The Mom Bomb (please, no explosives enthusiasts; it creeps her out)
• Wonderful World of Wieners (don't be afraid!  It's family-friendly!)
• Yummy Mommy

Here's to you guys and gals -- a Donkey Award from Laurie.

Don't You Think I'm Self-Absorbed ENOUGH?

I've been tagged again, by my blogging friend Jessie, and this time the challenge is to list five of my favorite posts, under the following categories:

1.  Family -- "How I Prefer to Wake Up"

2.  Friends -- "Lancie"

3.  Myself -- "You COULD Make This Stuff Up, But No One Would Buy It"

4.  Something I Love -- "My Dream Job"

5.  Anything At All -- "My Day Off Revisited"

Hmmmmm, I tag Jennifer, and I'd tag Jessie but it's been done.

The Bumpkins Are Coming! The Bumpkins Are Coming!

I have divided my limited attention span yet again, by creating a second blog.

Foolery has always been just for me, providing an outlet for my whimsy and my more thoughtful writing alike (although whimsy usually wins).  I've done what I wanted to do with Foolery, with almost 250 posts, but I've hit a wall.  I've been feeling over the past few months the need to grow, to push myself, to take my writing (such as it is) to a different level, but Foolery didn't seem like the place to do that. 

So what to do?  I haven't been able to solve it, so I back-burnered it and kept my ears open.

Mom spotted the article first -- I never would have -- and cut it out of the local paper to save for me.  "Tell us about your family in 700 words or less," it read.  Are they KIDDING?  I don't have that kind of self-editing ability.  It'd have to be AT LEAST 3000 words, if you know MY family.  After a year and a half and probably a zillion words, I have so much more yet to write about those lulus.

But my interest was piqued, and I went on-line to learn the scoop.

Only they didn't put that call for entries onto their web site.  But in looking for it I stumbled upon a blog group that the Enterprise-Record hosts, norcalblogs.com.  Hmmmmmm.  A cluster of blogs by and/or about North Valley people. Boring stuff.  DING!  This is what I've been looking for, and I didn't even know it.

So after a few e-mails to their web master, I am the proud owner of a new and (relatively) narrow focus BLOG.  Yup, another one.  Sigh.

It's called "Reasonably Educated Bumpkins: A View of Northern California As Seen From the Pushing Water Ranch."  I will write about growing up in Orland in the 70s, 80s, and now.  I plan to bore all y'all to tears, so stop by.

http://www.norcalblogs.com/bumpkins/

Foolery isn't going anywhere, though, so while I may be a bit distracted and post a little less, it's still my home.  I still need to have a place that's just for me.  Besides, when the Enterprise-Record is footing the bill I can't say the word SHIT, even once in a while, and that could ruin me.

I'm still trying to come up with 700 decent and concise words about my family, just in case the E-R was serious and I could really have a shot at a monthly column.  But I don't think I can make their word count, or their deadline.  Shit.

Parlez Vous Foolery?

This is weird.  Google has a site which translates blogs to other languages, apparently, and someone used it to translate a page of my blog into French.  Now, I don't know anyone in France, as far as I know, so I'm baffled.  Especially since what I write is of so little consequence.

 

But, bless 'em, I'm happy they stopped by.  Hope you had a happy Bastille Day, whoever you are!

 

You can see it here, if you're wacky.

My favorite part is reading the names of the music I've been listening to.  Who knew that this --

"Puce espagnole -- Herbe Alpert et le laiton de Tijuana: Crème fouttée et d'autres plaisirs"

is how you say "Spanish Flea -- Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass -- Whipped Cream and Other Pleasures" (quarantième édition d'anniversaire, of course)?  The French can make anything sound beautiful, noble, sexy, or delicious, but it takes so darned long that they need many naps and seven course meals to get through.

Bon soir,

Laurie

I Am Not Ignoring This Blog

I am not ignoring this blog; I am doing what any good writer should do:  I am living, experiencing life, gathering information and impressions.  I am an active citizen of the world, and as such --

 

aw, Hell, I'm ignoring this blog.

 

Sometimes the ideas come so fast and furiously that I can't get them all down.  Sometimes I post three times in one day when that happens.  Sometimes, like this week, I have so many ideas and backlogged projects that I get overwhelmed and write nothing.

 

And sometimes I just stare at a blank screen.

 

Man, I wish that cursor didn't blink.

Don't Read Past Page 14

Thanks, Gubby, for this.  I know you meant it.

Bastard.

Mystery Solved?

I think I have a handle on the Chinese blog mystery.  My theory is that it's some random generator of SPAM greeking that monitors blog feeds and randomly steals sentences from them.  Have you ever gotten SPAM and actually read it?  I have a fascination with SPAM, so I read it once in a while.  It can be startlingly funny.

But I have always wondered how it was created, and maybe this is one way.  The entry below seems to have been created from four separate blog posts, cut and pasted in a haphazard way.  The second paragraph is from my blog.  I clicked on a link which translated the entire paragraph of Chinese characters -- plus two Sparky's and a blecch -- into English, and this is the result.

# # Guess! guess! Guess what came in the post today for me?猜我今天来到在后?Hint: It's got to do with one of the spaniards!暗示:它的观世音菩萨之一的西班牙人!I'll post...::我永生邮Guess what came in the post today for me? guess I came in the post? Hint : It 's got to do with one of the spaniards! hint : It's got to do with one of the Spaniards! I 'll post ... : : I will never Post

See?看什么?I'm Not Making This Up我不是这起See? see? I 'm Not Making This Up am not starting

Charting the differences between Smedley and Sparky through their speech .图表普天间的分歧和sparky通过他们讲话.....SPARKY'S rejection of Halloween candy: "Blecch. I don't like it."...sparky拒绝万圣节糖果:"blecch.我不喜欢它富有Charting the differences between Smedley and Sparky through their speech. Futenma charts through their differences and sparky speech. to. SPARKY 'S rejection of Halloween candy : "Blecch. I not specified 't like it. "... sparky rejected Halloween candy : "blecch. I do not like it rich