Foolery

The Short End of the Shtick

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

"Guess who turned 60 this week?" I quizzed Chas. "Bob Costas."

"Huh," said Chas. "He's now eligible for a senior discount at carnivals, but he's still too short to ride many of the rides."

Ba dump-bump.

The Ever-Changing Map of the Arab World

(Original map stolen from these guys) 

Nice Hooves

I just had to get in on the Angelina Jolie leg photobombing phenomenon.

(Original clydesdale photo by shannonlundphotography.blogspot.com, leg photo by AP Photos.)

You Should've Seen My Trousseau

Some of my favorite creations have their origins in conversations. I mocked up this shirt after a good laugh with my sister last weekend. She made this quip not realizing how close to reality it is around Fooleryland.

Our dad takes a unique approach in life, usually, especially where his daughters are concerned. Dad didn't offer anyone livestock on my behalf, at least not that I know of. Either that or he needed to sweeten the deal with a donkey.

And One More Thing...Apple Introduces iCycle

CUPERTINO, Calif. (FP) — Apple today rolled out its latest product in a bold attempt to prove that it can stay on the cutting edge of design and innovation.

The assembled audience at Apple Headquarters gave Apple's iCycle a thunderous ovation for about ten seconds before mass texting ensued.

Both the MacBike and the MacBike Pro have a built-in 16GB or 32GB iPod Touch, and are fully rechargeable by human pedal power. The MacBike Pro also has Siri personal assistant installed, for directions, for remembering which Starbucks your exes frequent, and much more.



New Apple CEO Tim Cook seemed excited by his company's latest foray into uncharted territory as the iCycles were unveiled at Apple Headquarters Friday morning. The iCycle will roll off assembly lines for sale on November 11th.


(Original photo stolen from this site)

According to industry insiders, Apple's rival Microsoft is also poised to introduce a line of cycles sometime early next year, although specifics haven't been leaked. Microsoft is being characteristically silent on the subject.


(Original photo stolen from this guy)

Rumors of MacBike Air have already begun to circulate in Silicon Valley, although the Federal Aviation Administration has firmly denied that air space will be authorized for iCycle commuter traffic.




(All electric bicycle photos stolen from the brilliant designer Yuji Fujimura, whom I hope appreciates a good parody as much as I appreciate great design. Please visit his site to see his other gorgeous concepts.) 

Overheard at the PTO Meeting

(Original map stolen from these guys)

4th Grader:  "Alaska's over by Canada. Near Canada."

2nd Grader: "Where the hippos live."

I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the hippos from her house?

The Dark Side of Canada

The extraordinarily cruel side of the curling world was revealed this week. Lap giraffes are shy, gentle creatures who are largely unaccustomed to ice rinks. For shame, Canada, for shame!

What Do You Call That, Exactly?

So Al Pacino has been letting Vivienne Westwood do his hair, I see.


(Photo of Al Pacino stolen from these guys; photo of Vivienne Westwood stolen from this site)  

Just Look at That Shine!

(Photo stolen from Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Relax, ladies, Brian Wilson only PRETENDS to be a relief pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. In reality he's Rabbi Garçon Studbuckle, Divemaster, at your service. You're welcome.

Horn Section

I had a rare lunch with my old friend Lance a few weeks ago, and took a couple of photos. As soon as I had clicked the first shot, taking care not to make it look like that large fountain was sprouting from his head, I realized that a pointy tree* behind Lance was probably sticking up above his head like a horn. So I quickly shifted in my seat and snapped another shot, sure that I had avoided the single horn look.

Um, new problem.

Sorry Lance. Thanks for having lunch with me. Next time I'll PhotoShop you, but for now? It's comedy.

*Pointy Tree is the Latin name for it. It is so.

Dr. Drew, We Can't Be Buds

 A series of e-mails between Gubby and me the other day . . .

Gubby:
You have a birthday coming up. http://yfrog.com/gzuzagcj

When I clicked the link I saw Dr. Drew Pinsky in some functional office setting with poor lighting for photography. (Shared on Twitter by @TheWolfeCNN) Or was it Dr. Drew? No, it was a cardboard cut-out -- a stand-up -- of Dr. Drew!  Just what I always wanted.

foolery:
Ha ha -- do you think the beagles would go crazy? Do you think Chas would mind? Do you think Chas would NOTICE?*

Gubby:
Sounds like a blog post....Cut-out Dr. Drew can't play golf....Chas would be disappointed -- at least once he noticed.

foolery:
BUT
Cut-Out Dr. Drew isn't a blabbermouth.
Cut-Out Dr. Drew doesn't drink all the beer.
Cut-Out Dr. Drew doesn't fight for control of the 'mote.
Cut-Out Dr. Drew makes the wife dress better and actually wear some make-up around the house.
And Cut-Out Dr. Drew will never outperform you on the golf course.

Gubby:
BLOG POST!!!

foolery:

I'm on it.

Except that I didn't like Cut-Out Dr. Drew from the photo Gubby sent; I wanted my OWN Dr. Drew stand-up, so I made one. At least, a miniature one.



And now Dr. Drew can hang out with me in Fooleryland.

Wait -- Dr. Drew will let me drink cheap red wine, right?

Right?



Crap.

Sorry, Dr. Drew. We can't be buds.


*All the Chas teasing is a standing joke around Fooleryland, and one that goes both ways. Don't you worry -- all is well in Fooleryland.

Brother Bocci For the Win -- D'OH!

Got this e-mail from my brother Mantel Man the other day, complete with this photo:


"On our Grand Canyon hike, my friend Jessica and I found this sign rather amusing. I guess the Park Service had to cover its posterior. Given the fact that just a few days later a young man drove his car off the edge of the South Rim, can you blame them?"

Knowing Mantel Man, I'm certain he had just done what the warning sign expressly warned them NOT TO DO. The heat may have gone to their heads, because this was the next photo:


Then I, of course, asked his permission to post the photos.

Mantel Man:

"You want to post these? I guess I don't mind, as long as you're not planning something humiliating.  Oh, wait -- you're my sister."

Then came the belated e-mail from Brother Bocci:

"I'm more concerned that someone tucks in his shirt while hiking!"

Blindsided by Brother Bocci again.

Burkini? I Have a Better Name

(Photo stolen from The Daily Mail)

With apologies to the lovely, fair-skinned Nigella Lawson. Right there with ya, Nigella.

 

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Cow Dog?

(Original photo used by permission of lamoney at Wikimedia Commons)  

That About Covers It

. . . but how does it TASTE?

No lemons were harmed in the making of this post.

WARNING: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE POOP

An e-mail arrived Saturday from Mantel Man, copied to our brother Bocci and our sister Beth. As I read it I was struck by two unrelated yet inescapable facts: one, Mantel Man sees everything and describes it so well. Two, this will start a poopstorm of e-mails from the Fooleryland siblings. Who would be the first?

Mantel Man's e-mail:




The replies from the siblings were, as always, merciless and silly.

Bocci:  It may be time for a twitter account. Then we can find out your poop schedule as well.

foolery:  I know what he eats. He will be far to busy pooping to Twitter about it.

Mantel Man:  Well, that would mean some EXTREMELY local hazelnuts . . . Laurie, do you still use Twitter? I've seen other people misspell "too" on that site, so maybe it's contagious.

Bocci:  I wasn't going to say anything.

foolery:  Playing Go Fish and listening to Beck while answering e-mails. I can feel myself getting narrower.

Mantel Man:  What's so narrowing about Beck's music?  (To say nothing about Go Fish, which I find has a zen-like quality about it...)

Bocci:  I wish I was narrower . . . to

Beth:  Hahaha! FYI, they allow Subaru's in Whole Food market parking lots . . . Go fish.

And then the follow-up a few days later, from Mantel Man again:

Yeah. Any length for comedy, in this family.

foolery:  Are they selling hashish at your health food store AGAIN?

And Bocci had the last word:  Wow, regret reading that! ...and getting him started.

Oh, and . . . there was a March 3rd report from Mantel Man. I'll spare you. You're welcome.

Funny, I've Never Seen This in the Produce Aisle

Since starting to read Chas's cousin's new cookbook, The Wild Table, I've been obsessed with foraging foods. Well, I thought about it once. And I prefer the term scrounging, but anyway.

So I decided to go out and try to find something edible around Fooleryland, and look at this lovely plant I found!*

(Original photo used with permission of Bastique on Wikimedia Commons)

Probably some kind of wild mint, I decided, so I picked tons of it and carried it home.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

I had visions of drying it in bunches, hanging from the rafters of some charming old Provençal farm house, maybe with some upside-down rabbits or something.


(Original photo stolen from these guys)

First, of course, I would need to chop it up. This proved time-consuming, and also I was pretty sleepy. But when I was done I had more than I bargained for.


(Original photo stolen from these guys)

So I dried some and began sprinkling it on everything. Salads, soups, casseroles.

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Breads, sauces, ice cream.

(Original photo stolen from this guy)

The funny thing is, I don't even like the taste, but I can't help myself.

Brownies -- yeah, I've made a lot of brownies. The neighbors seem to like them. Even neighbors I didn't know I had. They drop by at the weirdest hours to ask for more.

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

I'm kind of tired of my new herb, honestly, so I've planned a bonfire to get rid of the pile. The neighbors cried when I told them, but they seemed pretty happy when I invited them to the bonfire to toast marshmallows and sing campfire songs. I'll probably make more brownies.

(Original photo stolen from this site)

*From beginning to end this is a parody and entirely made up, other than the fact I had a dream in which I wrote it pretty much as you see it here, for a blog post. I know, I know -- weirdo. Also, never touch the stuff, for real.

I See a New Olympic Sport on the Horizon

Do you know Foolerylander boB Cleveland? His name is spelled the same forward and backward. It's one of his special gifts.

In a recent chat with Bob we discussed sports.

boB: "I like drag racing and sumo wrestling. Drag racing because you can sit several hours and see hundreds of races. . ."

 

(Original photo used by permission from NJR ZA (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 or GFDL], via Wikimedia Commons 

". . . and sumo wrestling because you have to be fat to play and it takes 10 seconds."

(Original photo used by permission of Arcimboldo / Eckhard Pecher (Own work) [CC-BY-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons 

                                                                                                                                                                   

foolery: "Maybe you can combine your two favorite sports . . . sumo in drag?"

boB: "6'4" 440# guy in drag -- THAT would be cool."

(Where cool = mildly disturbing.)

boB: "However, the opposite wouldn't work: sumo wrestlers racing."

foolery: "Yeah, it would be over pretty quick."

boB: "With those guys, the slower guy would have to win. The compact car class would be reaaaally slow."

  (Original photo stolen from these guys)

Things are poppin' here in Fooleryland. Always a source of good ideas. Or, ideas, anyway.

Is This the Look You Were Going For, Calvin Klein?

Dear Calvin Klein,

You may have been thinking "Anderson Cooper" when you created this shirt.

I get "Cute Little Boy."

 

Not sure that's what you were going for, but then, I haven't seen this season's short pants collection.

Before They Were King

This is Archduke Rudolf, who later became Holy Roman Emperor Rudolf II of Austria, something like 450 years ago. He is wearing pluderhose ("pumpkin hose") with a codpiece. I guess every single thing he ever owned was in the wash.



King Louis XV of France as child. I have shoes just like that.



Prince William and his father Prince Charles of Wales could each potentially become the king of England. Whichever of the two is not crowned king has a good shot at RuPaul's Drag Race.



Finally, this was one week before Elvis discovered pomade.


This has been very educational. I know; I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it again.

(All public domain images from that Godsend Wikimedia Commons)