Foolery

A No Punctuation Wednesday on a Worn Out Friday Night

Used with permission; original version at Wikimedia Commons

I think the worst start to a day would be rushing about grabbing clothes in a huge hurry and accidentally grabbing the pair of undies that should have been tossed out when the dog chewed through the crotch but not having enough time to find better ones in the clean laundry pile that looms in the corner of the bedroom and having to wear those largely crotchless undies anyway

Hypothetically speaking I mean

Anastasia Utereen

There's just no way to explain this that won't make you think I'm nuts. If you reeeeally wanna know, check out Roderick On the Line, a weekly podcast from Merlin Mann and John Roderick. 

A No Punctuation Wednesday Sneaking In On a Monday

Ironieteken was used by permission at least I think so by its designer

Oh this No Punctuation Wednesday has been coming a long long long time even though it IS technically a Monday but who would argue with a woman on a rant

Not you thats for sure

Anyway the thing that has been driving me nuts
wait a correction please
ONE of the things that has been driving me nuts
for just ages and ages now is that I am very good at a small number of things
PERIOD
you have to imagine the period
PERIOD
next sentence please
I am very good at a small number of things and very bad at a middling number of things and very average at an incalculable number of things
And this bothers you WHY you ask
clever as you are you asked without punctuation
at least you did in my head

It bothers me because most of the things on my list of things that I am very good at
are imaginary
and the rest are useless
and while my favorite things in the world
are useful things such as machines and manufacturing and plants and animal husbandry and tools and paper supplies and small appliances and also probably cooking skills and balloon animals and high technology
WHEW pant pant pant
while those useful things draw me in like a moth to a flame they have not seen fit to make themselves understandable to me
sort of like languages and math
I can fake it really well
but I stink at some crucial part
for instance VOCABULARY RETENTION if you are talking about languages
and I was
or EVERYTHING if you are talking about higher math
and I was trying not to

so while I crave crave crave to be good enough at something that I could speak about it
write about it
learn enough to get really good at it
maybe make money at it
or just polish it into an avocation
the way that elegant Ladies of a Certain Age become painters or photographers or paper makers
while I want to be really good at something
even just one thing
I have no idea where to start and no particular skills to hone
and as far as I know being really good at Facebook is nothing more than an annoyance
and a cheap one at that

Too Far?

 
(Photo stolen from these guys)

Criminal Justice

I didn't follow the Casey Anthony case or subsequent trial at all except for the past week, when it couldn't be avoided. Seems to me that she and O.J. Simpson and Joran van der Sloot should be consigned to the same jail cell, and made to clean steak knives for the duration of their sentences.

FOOLHOGG #5: Owl Hats

Tell me this isn't the cutest hat you've ever seen?

My friend Jane (known elsewhere as Cactus Petunia) makes these and sells them at her Etsy site. Now, I can't promise you there's enough time to order between now and Christmas, but it's worth a shot if you've got a cute kid who likes owls.

And what cute kid doesn't like owls?

While you're looking at the owl hats, look at Jane's fairy series. She's an artist, extremely creative, and she makes beautiful things. But for now, I'm just waiting for my three owl hats.



Come back later this week for at least one more FOOLHOGG* recommendation.

*Foolery Holiday Gift Guide

FOOLHOGG #3: A Christmas Adventure in Little Italy

If, like me, you're having a reeeeeeeally hard time dredging up any Christmas spirit and ho ho ho, this book may do the trick. (Written by James Doti and illustrated by Lisa Mertins.)


(Book cover and sample illustration stolen from the book's web site)

If you're looking for a new Christmas book to share with a young child, this is a beautiful choice. The story is true but very simple, written by James Doti about a visit to his grandmother as a child in Chicago's Little Italy. My girls are a little bit old for the story, but not for the heart of Mr. Doti's tale. Who could not love a story about a grandma who bakes cookies, and a pet dog and snow and big city life? They love it.

I had the privilege of meeting Lisa Mertins, whose delightful illustrations give the book life, at an event last month. Though I've known her through the internutz and admired her painting skills, I was thrilled to find out that she's just as nice and interesting and funny as she is talented.


I ordered A Christmas Adventure in Little Italy directly from Lisa, but you can order it from the web site or from your favorite bookseller.

From the web site:

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to the Kathleen Muth Reading Center at Chapman University. For more information, please visit www.chapman.edu.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's FOOLHOGG -- another good gift under $15!

It Helps If They Think You're Crazy

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

NICE LADY ON THE PHONE:  Hello, may I speak with Laurie . . . Laggrawn, please?

ME:  This is Laurie.

CONFIDENT LADY ON THE PHONE:  Hello Miss . . . Laggrawn, how are you today? This is Rapunzel from [COMPANY NAME]. We notice that you-all are not getting any hits on Yahoo or Google, and --

ME:  We're an advertising agency, with only local clients. We're doing just fine.

MYSTIFIED RAPUNZEL LADY ON THE PHONE:  So you-all are happy that way? That folks can't even find you?

ME:  Yes.

ANNOYED RAPUNZEL LADY ON THE PHONE:  Okay, thank you.

ME:  Buh-bye.

Someday I'll tell you how I get rid of ink and toner people.

The Secret to Blogging Fulfillment

Content quality is the only thing that matters.

Them Summer Days, Those Summer Days

Do you have a summer mix -- songs for or about summer, or songs that instantly recall a summer memory? I do. But I realized the other day that there wouldn't be a single Beach Boys song on my summer play list. Too obvious. And I left John Fogerty's great "110 in the Shade" off the list because it's just too close to reality around Fooleryland, and that's depressing. But here it is just because:

Here's my list of ten, in no particular order, each for their own strange reason.

Rock the Boat -- the Hues Corporation

 

I'm Not in Love -- 10CC

 

What Have You Done For Me Lately? -- Janet Jackson

 

The Girl From Ipanema -- Stan Getz & Astrud Gilberto

 

White Lines -- Grandmaster Flash

 

September -- Earth, Wind & Fire

 

Bust a Move -- Young MC

 

I Looked at You -- The Doors

 

Hot Fun in the Summertime -- Sly & the Family Stone

 

Brass in Pocket -- The Pretenders

 


So what's on your list?

Jeggings: Skinny Jeans Not the Worst Possible Scenario

Oh, goody, lookie what fell out of my inbox today:
 

Oh super, Jeggings! I get it -- jeans + leggings = JEGGINGS.
 
And you just know you're gonna see these on some person in the harsh light of some gigantic box store, only they won't be looking nearly this pretty, no sir.

Send me all the nasty e-mails you want -- you know I'm right. The women who SHOULDN'T wear these are the first ones who WILL wear these. And the women who CAN wear these probably still SHOULDN'T. I am 100% certain I WON'T. You're welcome.

    

Reporting live from Fooleryland, where we keep the sausages on the grill, the muffins in the breadbox, and the camel's toes squarely on the ground.

   

(All images stolen from HerRoom.com, which I love, but COME ON)

Foolery Sticks Her Neck Out: I Now Pronounce You . . .

 

(Original photo used by permission of Jeff Belmonte at Wikimedia Commons)

Here's my solution to the question of legalizing same-sex marriage. Are you ready? Are you sure? I'm not, but I really believe this.

First, the problem all started when Uncle Sam stuck his nose into what ought to be a religious institution. Okay, I get the need for making parents financially and legally accountable for their offspring, as well as other questions of spousal responsibility. But otherwise, I think marriage ought to be up to religious institutions.

 
(Original photo used by permission of Mila Zinkova at Wikimedia Commons)

So here's what I propose: revert all current marriages to civil unions in the eyes of the law. All of them. This includes my own marriage, y'all, so don't think I'm being high and mighty here. (Chas and I were married by a judge.)

 
(Photos used by permission of Susan Roberts and Wiki edit Jonny at Wikimedia Commons and stolen from these guys as well)

Same-sex civil unions would be equal to man-woman civil unions in the eyes of the law. The government gets what it wants and goes its merry way, buh-bye. Marriage would no longer be a legal institution.

The rest is left to institutions of faith and to the couples themselves. All civil unions -- man-woman couples and same-sex partners alike -- would be free to sanctify their unions under the religion of their choice. This is key, however: no religious institution would HAVE to perform a marriage ceremony for ANYBODY. The churches would be free to define marriage according to their interpretation and faith.  Anyone who had already been married by a priest, rabbi or minister would be both legally united and married in the eyes of their faith.

Also, while this is entirely my own original thinking, I can't say for a minute that it's new. I have no clue how many other people may have already committed these ideas to paper because honestly, I haven't researched. I've just been turning it over and over in my brain for a few months.

I'm ready for the slings and arrows now.

 

Dear Ke$ha,

 

(Photo stolen from Simon Hammond/Splash News - June 3, 2010)

Dear Ke$ha,

I have a question about the choices you make when getting dressed:

How can you tell when you're done?

The Writing Is On The Wall

The postcard inviting me to the Uppercase Living home decor open house read "give any room in your house a style and personality that reflects you and your family." Here are some examples of their wall typography from their web site:

 
 
 
 
 
Pretty, right? But this is Fooleryland, and I think we might blow some minds in the custom department . . .

 
 
 
 
 

(All original images stolen from Uppercase Living)

More Good Advice From the Peanut Gallery

They say you are what you eat.

 

 

(Original illustration stolen from these guys)

Me? I've always wanted to be a woman of mystery.

 


(Photo stolen from these guys)

So, I'm going to start eating a lot of hot dogs.

You're welcome.

No Thanks -- I'll Walk

We went out to dinner Saturday night, my little family and I. Afterward I suggested we go for a walk. The sky was intoxicating and I took my camera along.

The kids rode.
 
 

I lagged behind, head tilted upward.

 
I call this the Cookie Monster Tree. It looks like someone took a big bite.

 
 
 
 
 

It was a good walk.

Paranormal, Abnormal -- Can't We All Just Get Along?

 (Original photo stolen from this site) 

I was just over at MomZombie's place reading her post about ghost encounters, and I got really jealous. For a couple of reasons. First, MomZombie is a really good writer, so you should check her out. But staying on topic, she seems to have a lot of paranormal encounters. Or, at least a lot for ME.

I have none.

I've never seen a ghost, or anything that wasn't easily explained in unexotic terms later. I had one very odd experience that tempted me to think "ghost," until my brother and I put our heads together and figured out that we had had a pretty close (broad daylight) call with a very brave would-be home invader -- while my brother was home.

No ghost.

So what am I, chopped liver? How come ghosts avoid me? I have had more than one person tell me that I have a Very Old Soul*, so wouldn't a ghost think I was sort of trustworthy and musty and dusty, and come pop in for tea and sympathy?

They don't.

In fact, in 44 3/4 years I can identify only two events that made my hair stand up. Neither one of them is light or funny and I don't have it in me tonight to do either story justice, so I'll spare you.

What gives, ghosts? Maybe I don't watch enough "Medium."

 

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

*I know that's hard to believe, but I am actually smarter than I appear in this rearview mirror called the Internutz. And only half as silly as I appear. And much much MUCH older and mustier in the soul department.

Today On Craigslist

Under "lost & found," and I am totally not joking:

has anyone found a bottle of painkillers? (chico ca)

LOST them not too long ago, the names swim, need em back lost around downtown area, if you can please email me about any chance theres a reward if you have them! :)

Swim is obviously a fan of No Punctuation Wednesdays. Good luck, Swim!

 


(Photo stolen from these guys) 

I Have Sand in my Ears from Too Much Pretending

 


(Original photo used with permission of Scott Williams)

Winter Olympic Wrap-Up In Song -- What Else?

All photos were wantonly stolen from Canada.com, which is a great web site I discovered while looking for Olympics information. I would happily credit all photographers but there were few credits listed. Hoping they'll see this as a tribute to outstanding photography and a successful Olympics. Go look at it! Book a vacation! Visit the moose . . . es!

One of these things
Is not like the others

 


Which one is it?
Do you know?

 


Can you tell me which thing
Is not like the others?

 

And I'll tell you if it is so!

 

My heart pounded like a jackhammer during skiing, luge, snowboarding, and especially speed skating, but it returned to its normal rate* during ice dancing.

I had sweaty palms while watching individual and pairs ice skating, but my palms were dry as the Sahara during ice dancing.

I am not a hockey fan and I missed curling altogether, but I'm pretty sure I would have registered a pulse even during those two sports. Had I been hooked to a heart monitor during ice dancing, the paramedics would have been called.

Happy post-Winter Olympics 2010, everyone. Thanks, Vancouver!


*My normal heart rate is approximately that of a mud turtle.