Foolery

Dear Sarah Palin,

Congratulations upon the release of your new best-selling book, Going Rogue: An American Life!

 
  


(Original photo stolen from these guys)

I wish to share something with you, however, and I wanted to do it privately, because . . . you know . . . the biased media and all.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines rogue in the following ways:

1 : vagrant, tramp
2 : a dishonest or worthless person : scoundrel
3 : a mischievous person : scamp
4 : a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave
5 : an individual exhibiting a chance and usually inferior biological variation

I can only guess your meaning of "rogue" here, but I'm sure those meanies in the media will have a field day with this. So what I'd like to ask is,

How do you like your oats?

 


(Photo stolen from Rachel C at Wikimedia Commons)

In Service To My Country,

Laurie LaGrone
Foolery

Keith Olbermann Is a Sneering, Unprofessional Name-Caller and Here's Why

I'm venturing into rare territory here at Foolery today: politics. And right-wing conservative positions. But it's not what you're thinking, probably, especially if you're thinking about cookies, which I am as I furiously type this bitter, bitter post.

First, a bit of ugliness (relevant copy starts at 2:32):

And now, what the above smug, bitchy rant references:

Dear George, It's Been Fun

There's a sad sort of clanking
From the clock in the hall
And the bells in the steeple too.
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
Is popping up to say cukoo!
Cukoo! Cukoo!
Regretfully they tell us

But firmly they compel us
To say goodbye to you.

So long
Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Goodnight
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long
Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Adeiu
Adeiu Adeiu
To yieu and yieu and yieu

So long
Farewell
Au 'voire
Aufwiedersehn
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne

So long
Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye

Goodbye!

I'm glad to go I cannot tell a lie
I flit I float
I fleetly flee I fly

The sun has gone to bed and so must I
So long Farewell
Aufwiedersehn
Goodbye--

Goodbye...
Goodbye...
Goodbye...
Goodbye...

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated, Really

I read the other day that President-elect Obama was going to appoint a "Car Czar."

Really?  Do we need this?

Hmmm.  We do?  Okay, well then in the interest of fair play, equal time and making myself look like I have sort of a clue about civics, here is a short list of nominees I'd like to see for some new cabinet positions.

Scar Czar: Jocelyn Wildenstein


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Carb Czar: Morgan Spurlock


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Crap Czar: Billy Mays


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Czoo Czar:  Jeff Corwin


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Carp Czar:  Steven Tyler

(Photo stolen from these guys)


Snarl Czar:  Dick Cheney


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Style Czar:  Tyra Banks


(Photo stolen from this site)


Shoe Czar:  Sarah Jessica Parker


(Photo stolen from this site)


Sleaze Czar:  John Edwards


(Photo stolen from these guys)


Schlock Czar:  Foolery



Congratulations to all the winners.

"Two! Two Jailed Illinois Governors! Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!"

Gubby's brother Dan is known for his ability to describe people.  Usually this involves complicated hybrids of celebrities, animals and cartoons, but he has a knack for it.  Little does Dan know, but I have always had a penchant for that same descriptive nonsense, though I make no claims as to my prowess.  For instance, I once worked with a smarmy waiter who literally wore white loafers with neither socks nor a shred of irony.  I described him as a cross between Herb Tarlek (from the TV show "WKRP in Cincinnati") and Big Bird, plus a couple of "Lawrence Welk Show" crooners thrown in for good measure.  For those of you playing at home, that would look like



+



+



+



So here's Dan's take on a current event.

The Count



+ "Spencer For Hire"



= Corrupt Governor



And all I have to say about that is, Better a receding hairline than an advancing one.

Don't Worry About Sarah Palin

I'm pretty sure she can take care of herself.  At least, she accessorizes really, really well.

Watching the Returns With Smedley

Three of us bundled into the recliner, huddled under blankets against the frigid California air.  The girls had to make it to the announcement, they just had to.  Sure enough, at exactly eight o'clock, we got the word.  Barack Obama will be our 44th president.

"Mama, did he win?"

"Yes, Smedley, he won."

"What's a donkey, Mama?"

"Democrat."

"And what's an elephant?"

"Republican."

"I'm a donkey."

"Okay."

"Which one are you?"

"Neither one, actually."

A well-known female journalist came on-screen.  "Her nose is HUGE, Mama."

"She's a very good journalist, honey."

"With a very big nose.  Mama?"

"Yes Smedley?"

"You know the place we went to vote?"

"Uh-huh."

"It really smelled."

"But did you notice how fast we voted?  We didn't even have to wait in line."

"Yeah.  But it smelled.  Mama?"

"Yes Smedley."

The screen changed to show coverage of California's Proposition 8, the vote on gay marriage.  Stock footage of gay pride parades and same-sex weddings rolled across the screen.  Rosie O'Donnell and her wife were shown walking down stairs after their wedding.

"Mama?  Is that the Queen of England?"

"Not really, Smedley."

"I want to go to bed.  Is this over?"

"Yes, honey.  I just wanted you to see this.  It will be something you'll want to remember if you can."

"I'll never forget this night as long as I live, Mama."

Me neither, Smed.

You Betcha

This Debate Changed My Mind

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

We Interrupt This Thought For This Important Campaign Message

(Logo stolen from this guy)

Camp Obama

(With apologies to Alan Sherman . . . and pretty much everybody)

Hello Muddah, hello Faddah
Here I am at Camp Obama
Though I'm just a cub reporter
It's about as fun as Robert's Rules of Order.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Drew the short straw, got Joe Biden
Other writers were all hidin'
Though he's seasoned and big-hearted
I was snoring minutes after his speech started.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

What I hear is, it's smooth sailin'
On the road with Sarah Palin
She's a hottie, she's a looker
Almost naked by the pool with her bazooka.

 

Though Barack is very charming
His supporters are alarming
Lots of pushing, for example,
And at last night's rally I was nearly trampled.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Take me home, oh Muddah, Faddah
Take me home, from Camp Obama
Don't leave me out on the campaign trail
I think I'm in for an epic fail.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Take me home, I promise I will take that job
In Syracuse with Uncle Bob.
Oh please don't make me stay
I've been here one whole day.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

I don't mean to be complainin'
But I'm not made for campaignin'
No more airports, no more planin'
I will need a bus like one they've got McCain in.

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Wait a minute, there's Obama!
With his daughters and their mama!
An exclusive, here's my big chance --
Never mind, Mom -- now I'm going to the Big Dance!

(Photo stolen from this guy)

Is It Just Me?

 

One of these women's favorite food is moose stew, and the other's is spa-Peggy and meatballs.

One of these women is a substitute Spanish teacher and the other is the governor of Alaska.

One of these women is Peggy Hill, and the other is Sarah Palin. I can't sort it all out. Can anyone help me out here?

BREAKING NEWS

(Photo stolen from deathby1000papercuts.blogspot.com/2007/12/joh...)

 

THIS JUST IN: VAIN JOHN EDWARDS HOPING HIS ADMISSION OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR MAKES AS BIG A SPLASH AS BILL CLINTON'S.

 

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR.

Big Fat Lies -- The Campaign Trail

(Photo stolen from Esoteric_Desi on Flickr)

 

The media are reporting this morning that Obama and Hillary are starting to campaign together actively, and that to emphasize this new spirit of unity their first rally together will be in Unity, New Hampshire.

(Photo stolen from 4President on Flickr)

 

Not missing the symbolism, and never one to be outdone, John McCain is said to be rushing his campaign off to Rough and Ready, California.

(Photo stolen from nick.schu on Flickr)

 

Bill Clinton will be doing some campaigning in Intercourse, Pennsylvania this week.

Didn't He Get in Trouble For That?

I'm not so sure it was a great idea, in her Woo-Hoo Pennsylvania speech, for Hillary to thank her husband Bill for his tireless criss-crossing of the state "from end to end."

He Shoots HE SCORES!! GOOOOOOOOOAL!

This explains my political apathy and alienation for the past, um, 25 years.  Think of each player as the new exciting candidate
du jour . . .

philosophical soccer in the hands of Monty Python

Let me know what you think, okay?

SuperCaliforniaVoterExNickAsshatDopeSlap

It's Super Tuesday here in Califortunate, and

 

I

 

am

 

SUPER!

(Photo stolen from Luodanli on Flickr)

 

Although, as a reluctant voter (I vote, I just wish I could stay in bed with the covers over my head instead), I don't feel so super.  I feel like an Absentee Voter.

 

Maybe it's because 40 years from now, when my grandchildren visit me in the sanitarium to ask me who I voted for in this big, fat, HUGE primary of 2008, I don't want to be the one who voted for the wrong guy*.  I don't want to be the Dewey supporter.  I don't want to be the Goldwater fan.  I'm conflicted.

 

Sigh.  Happy Super Tuesday.

 

Elsewhere in this country, it's also Fat Tuesday.

 

So I'm not SUPER; I'm FAT.

 

 

 

Super.

 

*or chick, or guy, or guy, or guy

I Wish I'd Thought of This

. . . but I didn't.  Can't take credit for it at all.  Rats.

 

I wonder, though, just how many people under 40 out there understand this reference?

Al For One and One For Al

This morning on "The Today Show," Meredith Vieira interviewed Al Sharpton.  The topic was Don Imus's return to the airwaves, and whether or not Imus should be allowed to broadcast again after his very public bad behavior and the subsequent backlash.

Vieira:  "Do YOU believe in redemption?"

Sharpton:  "Oh, absolutely.  But redemption comes with repentance and full disclosure."

Yeah, Al, and the three Duke lacrosse players are still waiting for both of those from you.  Bigot.


(Photo stolen from these guys)

Romney, Kissinger, Seamus, Oh My!

An e-mail yesterday from The Gubby Files:

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"The incident: dog excrement found on the roof and windows of the Romney station wagon. How it got there: Romney strapped a dog carrier — with the family dog Seamus, an Irish Setter, it — to the roof of the family station wagon for a twelve hour drive from Boston to Ontario, which the family apparently completed, despite Seamus's rather visceral protest."

Didn't Nixon do the same thing with Henry Kissinger on a vacation journey to Disneyland?

Gubby

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1638065,00.html



--------------

My answer:  Of course he did, Gubby.  Only Henry had to ride in the trailer because Grandma was on the roof.

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http://arago4.tnw.utwente.nl/stonedead/albums-cds/lyrics/henry-kissinger.html

"Henry Kissinger" (Composer: Eric Idle, from "Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album")

Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're the doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your machiavellian schemes
I know they say that you are very vain
And short and fat and pushy but at least you're not insane
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here.

Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
You're so chubby and so neat
With your funny clothes and your squishy nose
You're like a German parakeet
All right so people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler
And bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger
How I'm missing yer
And wishing you were here.