Foolery

You Can Read This Or Have Nookie BUT NOT BOTH

This letter from my brother Mantel Man was in my inbox this morning. Mantel Man can make me laugh before 7:00 a.m., loud enough to wake up the whole family, which he did, and I did, and they did . . . and now I'm gonna let him make you laugh. Because I think you will. Just don't go furniture shopping with the man.

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Okay, so I’m looking for a couple of second-hand furniture items on the Craig’s List web site, where people can upload their own ads and sell items for free.  I didn’t check the “services” section, but if there was an ad there for spelling and grammar instruction, I doubt it had any takers.

I had no idea there was so much entertainment in reading the headlines for these ads!  Most were silly due to misspellings, but a few were from mere word choice – such as “Black Stools.”  ‘Nuff said?  These would go great with the “Spanish wrought iron cabinet with designer bowel.”

Some items seemed to be advertised in the wrong section, such as “White Flowered Drawers.”  Who would want to buy such things used, anyway?

How about this:  “Slight Damage - $125.”  This one clearly belongs under “services.”  I wonder how much they would want for serious damage.

Not to be outdone by the Spanish cabinet, someone offered a “Brown Micro-fibre Swede Sofa.”  Another abomination from Ikea, no doubt.

(Original photo stolen from these probable non-Swedes)

Some of these sellers are more cultured than I thought: “Brass Handel Door Knobs.”  I’ve been looking for a set of those for years!  I wonder if he’d part with his Wing-Bach Chair, too.  Might as well collect the complete set.

(Photo stolen from these people of culture)

“Tables, Tables, and More Tables . . . or Desks.”  Well, which is it?  Make up your mind!  Perhaps this was the same seller who offered “Occassional Tables” – which “occasionally” turn into desks, apparently. 

The trouble with wrought iron is that it’s hard to spell if you don’t know what you’re saying.  I saw “Rod Iron” and the intriguing-sounding “Rot Iron,” but my favorite item was “’Faux’ Wrong Iron / Glass Table.”  Can you believe it?  He handled faux but he spelled “wrought” . . . wrong.

Let’s skip over “Lather Wrap Bar Stools” and “Descent and Pretty Comfortable” and get to the biggie:

Dinning.

You would not believe how many “dinning tables” I saw advertised.  I didn’t even know “din” was a verb.  Do these tables have something to do with loud noise?  If I wanted that, I’d get the cabinet with designer bowel.

Finally, the subject of sex was bound to make an appearance.  One seller, frustrated at apparently having wasted time waiting for buyers who stood her up, didn’t even advertise an item but instead wrote an ad entitled, “What’s with the NO SHOWS?  (I could’ve been having nookie.)”  She mentioned sex-starved parents and laid a curse on the flaky respondents to her ad:  “I hope your doorbell rings whenever you’re having nookie and your mother calls when you’re taking a nap.”

Talk about sex-starved!  She clearly was not the same person who offered to sell my favorite item of all:  a “Bonk Bed.”

(Original photo stolen from these guys)

Hope things are making more sense where you are,

Mantel Man

We Fix Pix -- They Do, She Does, And She Did!

The photos from which these scans were made are over 100 years old.



Martin and Elise were my great grandparents on my mother's side -- Mormor's parents. If over the past year you've been following the stories I have published from my grandmother's (Mormor's) writings, Mormor will already be someone you're familiar with.

What happened to these photos? Who can say. In a century and more there are so many possibilities. But I had them fixed, and I want to show you:




Don't they look great? My friend Valerie at We Fix Pix did the work. In case the FTC is reading, I want y'all to know that I paid full price for the service and was more than happy to do so, so there is no payola here to see, move along now . . .

If, in your town, you don't have a friend Valerie, let me recommend mine:

We Fix Pix
1342 Longfellow Avenue
Chico, CA 95926
530 - 892 - 8454

She does photo restoration, duplication -- heck, she'll even remove your creepy ex-boyfriend from a cherished family photo! How fabulous is that?!

Just spreading the love.

Who Will Play You In The Movie, Daryl?

Lauren Hutton. Lauren Hutton will play Daryl in the movie. I worry that poor Lauren won't be glamorous enough, but she likes a challenge.

Like Frederic? E-Mail Him!

Name: Frederic Chopin

Age: 39

Marital status: Single

Home town: Warsaw

Where I hang with my peeps: Paris, Majorca, Vienna

Occupation: Musician/composer

Likes: Playing my piano, long walks on the beach, lying around on the Sand, Kung Fu movies

Dislikes: Liars, backstabbers, a perfectly good rebellion snuffed out like a light, and licorice

Describe yourself: I'm a Romantic at heart

What I'm looking for: One special lady to write songs about. You: petite, brunette, don't mind a little coughing. No ugly chicks.

What I can offer a lady: I have a great sense of humor  condo on the Seine  piano, all my own teeth, and "The Godfather" on Blu-Ray

Catch phrase: "Gimme a Minute"

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Want to see Frederic's dating video? Sign up at SugarMama.com today!

Dinosaurs of the Eisenhower Epoch: Chasmosaurus

(Illustration stolen from ArthurWeasley)

Today we're going to learn about the Chasmosaurus, a particularly ancient dinosaur of North America.

Chasmosaurus is the oldest long-frilled dinosaur to be found. That's funny enough all by itself . . . What is a frill, you ask? Funny you should ask; I'll bet you, like I, thought the Chasmosaurus was a no-frills dinosaur.

The frill is long with large fontanelles. This is getting rather personal so we'll leave it at that.

It may have been used to protect itself; however, it is more likely that it was used to balance out his golf swing.

Chasmosaurus also had two medium sized horns above the eye sockets, and a small horn above the snout. There's a joke about being overly horny in there somewhere, but you know I would never stoop to such shenanigans. Here.

Paleontologists speculate that its giant awning of bone and skin may have taken on bright colors during mating season--kind of like a movie screen for the opposite sex! Paleontologists obviously have warped and unrealistic fantasy lives.

This plant-eater grew to be seventeen feet long and weighed four tons. He's working on it. Chasmosaurus is an equal opportunity diner, however, whose diet includes fruits, vegetables, meat, burritos as big as his head, glop, various failings from the Foolery kitchen, Papa Murphy's pizza and a wide selection of beers.

Chasmosaurus lived during the end of the Cretaceous time period and was found in Alberta, Canada and New Mexico, United States. This is a lie. He's never been to Canada OR New Mexico. He has been to Mexico, however, but he doesn't remember it too well.

Here is Chasmosaurus in his natural habitat -- California. For complete accuracy you must picture Chasmosaurus with either a beer or a golf club in hand . . . or, more likely, BOTH.

For more information about Chasmosaurus, please visit this website, or this one. Or, just catch me when I'm in a crabby mood.

Love Letter to Mathews County, VA

Dear Mathews County,

I have a crush on you. It's big.



I visited you recently, under cover of anonymity. You didn't know you were being watched. I admit it: I am your stalker.

You are beautiful beyond compare, and this from a woman who lives in a state known for its beauty.  Yeah, California has its vistas, its great expanses, but coastal Virginia, and Mathews in particular? It's a whole other beautiful. Intimate. Secluded. You have to stalk it to discover it. And I did.



Without you knowing it, I walked your beaches and skirted your marshlands.  I breathed in the electric air of vibrant downtown Mathews during a thunder shower (in California our original downtowns are few and growing fewer, and our thunderstorms are even more rare). I heard the beep-beeps of passing cars and knew they were friendly honks of recognition of passing neighbors, not angry motorists. I smiled.



Thank you for the wonderful food I tried for the first time! At Chef Todd's I had a crab cake sandwich. Being a Come-Here I wanted to try local food, and I'm pretty sure this was it. YUM. Thanks to the kind staff at Chef Todd's for a wonderful lunch and for not falling over when the question "How many for lunch today?" was answered, "Oh, maybe 20? 16 for sure."

At the visitor's center in the historic Sibley's General Store building we knocked a few of your citizens out of their socks, I'm afraid. I hope we didn't frighten anyone too badly, when we just kept pouring through the door, announcing the many and far-flung places from which we had come: metro D.C., Texas, Maine, Connecticut, Manhattan, Seattle, and even Vancouver, Canada. And, of course, many from within a stone's throw of Mathews County as well. I was smitten by the local talent on display and for sale in that charming old store that has a good start on its second century of life.



(Original photo stolen from the lovely and talented Daryl)

In Hallieford I fell in love with the Sandpiper Reef restaurant because of the Heavenly Grouper which, I'm only slightly ashamed to say, I completely devoured, and thought about licking the plate but didn't at the last minute. FANTASTIC!



(Original photo stolen from their web site)

And how such a spacious room could feel cozy is beyond me, but it did. Maybe it was the great company, food and the locals, who not only didn't point and stare at we Come-Here's, but actually joined us at the table and gave us a pre-prepared quiz about the region. I failed miserably but thoroughly enjoyed the process. Thanks to Mark -- I think I have the name right? -- for going above and beyond to make sure we were somewhat edumahcated.



And of course there was Nature. Nature is especially fond of Mathews County, I can tell: Her light is just a little stronger, Her shadows more nuanced, Her greens a shade richer than in other parts of the world.



And Her denizens are as relaxed as we Come-Heres were.

I hope to do more Mathews stalking, spurred on by the talented local blogger Chesapeake Bay Woman whose blog "Life In Mathews" lured so many of us to your fine county. Because of CBW, Mathews has at least a dozen more stalkers, and counting.

You have been warned, Mathews, but we'll be gentle.

Thank you to the fine people of Mathews County Virginia for three days of heaven!

Foolery's History of the World According to Bloggers

In the beginning, there was light.

Then came fire and pestilence and stuff, I forget the order . . . and then there was a garden. And God looked down and saw the garden and said, "Man, I'm gonna hafta MOW all that -- that's it! MAN."

And Man was created. Followed closely by Woman. And soon there was a Mower.

(Photo stolen from these guys)

And other things, like Boats and Spatulas. And then somebody invented Margaritas, which were naturally followed closely by Computers.

And God looked down and saw that it was Good.

But it could be better. Right? I mean, of course.

So God created The Internet. Sorry, Al Gore; you're a lot of things but you ain't God. And

BAM!!

before God could even say "LET THERE BE BLOGGERS" the People had organized and become Bloggers and then doing stuff just to blog about it and taking photos of it and what-all.

And God was a bit confused, but He saw that it was Good.

So He in His infinite wisdom put the bug in one Blogger's ear and said "LET THERE BE A KICK-ASS PARTY. IF YOU PLAN IT, THEY WILL COME."

And you know what? She did, and They did, and It was, and We were.

The End.

Until I clean the bathroom, after which I'll have LOTS to share with you about Chesapeake Bay Blogfest '09 in Mathews VA.

Foolerytoons: Bedtime

Click on the strip to see the whole thing.

Foolerytoons: I'm Ba-a-a-a-ack . . .

Click to read the whole strip.

And big thanks to Daryl at out & about in new york city for pointing me to Toonlet.com!

Thousands Flock to Staples Center

It doesn't matter if they're black or white.




(Photo stolen from these guys)

Hmmmm . . .

Going to Virginia in a matter of days. CHESAPEAKE BAY BLOGFEST 2009! I'm so excited. The to-do list is suddenly huge.

Pack my carry-on bag.

Lose fifteen . . . hundred pounds.

Get my hair cut.

Get a tan.

Put the cat out.

Become interesting.

Learn French.

Learn English.

Stop saying "vuh-CAY-shun" like Marge Simpson, or so I'm told by He Who Sleeps ALONE.

Practice my chit-chat, smalltalk and prattle.

Learn how to fake being a From Here, so I won't be pegged as the Come Here I am.

Work out the details with Miss Meg, who will be my travel buddy.

Get some sleep.