(Graphic stolen from these guys)
Here's another meaningful conversation from Casa Foolery -- this one happened tonight as I washed dishes.
SMEDLEY, AGE 8 1/2: Mama, Sparky said something really gross when we were playing Barbies, and I don't want to tell you.
ME, AGE 43 11/12 AND GETTING OLDER BY THE SECOND: Okay.
SMEDLEY, WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A PAUSE: Oh, all right, I'll tell you. Sparky took a girl Barbie and a boy Barbie [that'd be Ken for those of you scoring at home, and I do hope you are] and she took their clothes off and she made them kiss and she made them say, "Let's have sex."
ME, STILL AGE 43 11/12 BUT FEELING LIKE NEANDERTHAL OR CRO MAGNON MAN OR CHER OR SOMETHING: Okay ["Okay" is the standard Foolery response that works equally poorly on kids and parents]. So maybe if that kind of play makes you feel uncomfortable, you should ask her not to play that way?
[Wait for it . . .]
SMEDLEY: I DID! [You saw that coming, didn't you?] She said, "Well, Mommy and Daddy had sex once, so it's okay!"
[Beat.]
[Beat.]
[I'll just let that sink in a little more.]
[Beat.]
[Beat.]
ME, TRYING NOT TO DROP A SOAPY GLASS OR ONE OF LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS, OR BOTH: Honey, it's okay to be curious about sex and all that stuff [no,
for real, I really did! I KNOW, can you believe it?! And here Chas and
I had sex ONLY THE ONE TIME AND ALL, and I'm qualified to give her "The
Talk"?!] but I'd rather
that you didn't play Barbies that way. Other kids might think that you
girls are . . . not so nice, and we know that that isn't true [suddenly remembering using the word HARLOT in front of Smedley the other day, for some reason -- "Mama, what's a harlot?"]. Instead, if you or Sparky have questions about sex, you could come ask me [or Daddy! Yes, DADDY! Good idea!] right then, how about that?
SMEDLEY, DOUBTFULLY: Okay . . . I'll go tell her . . . Mama?
ME, AGE 207: Yes?
SMEDLEY: Are you SURE you're ready to talk to Sparky about it, right now?
ME: Yes. [NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!!!] I'm sure.
But they weren't ready for The Talk either, apparently. Def-Con alert
back to yellow. After relating this story to Chas, who giggled
especially hard at the implication that he was a one-hit wonder with
two children, he added this gem, from earlier today.
SMEDLEY: Daddy, does Mama know you're fixed?
(Photo stolen from these guys)
1) awesome story!
2) the zygote looks an awful lot like a potato.
3) you should submit this story to Beyond the Birds and the Bees.
4) Ken has always been a horny troublemaker, despite his lack of ability to follow through on the hanky panky.
Posted by: Da Goddess | July 06, 2009 at 01:16 AM
Such a perfect story in every Foolery way.
And you should have set the record straight, that you had sex twice. Only twice, right?
Posted by: Jason | June 25, 2009 at 08:38 PM
Ken has been fixed too! Poor Kenneth. Lucky for Chas that real men aren't fixed in such a way.
Posted by: Liz | June 24, 2009 at 06:46 AM
Oh how hilarious. HILLLLLarious.
Posted by: BOSSY | June 23, 2009 at 06:59 PM
Ack! I really, really, really do not know how you people do it.
Hilarious.
Posted by: Ellie | June 23, 2009 at 05:54 AM
You tell Smedley that I actually thought the same exact thing when I was her age, except what confused me was how if my mom and dad did it one time and had two kids, how come the Smith mom and dad got four kids for their one time?
For real. And that was 1970-whatever-something-forever-ago.
Posted by: Meg | June 21, 2009 at 05:15 PM
That was too funny!
Here's a quote from a book I just finished that I think you'll get a kick out of:
"Conversing with children is a fine art, I realized. An art form that demands large amounts of both honesty and misdirection. Or maybe DISCRETION is a better word. Or a gradual release of information, like time-controlled vitamins."
-Miriam Toews
"The Flying Troutmans"
Posted by: Cactus Petunia | June 20, 2009 at 10:58 PM
I only have boys, so when they "entertain" themselves and get caught. I think its funny.
Posted by: deb | June 20, 2009 at 07:30 PM
Uhhhh.....
uhhhh .....
:)
Posted by: Bob Cleveland | June 20, 2009 at 05:16 PM
P.S. You must have some tortoise genes, because tortoise ladies can keep laying fertile eggs for up to five years after one sexual encounter.
Posted by: Kathi D | June 20, 2009 at 12:24 PM
This makes me so grateful that I have dogs instead of human children.
I already got the dogs fixed, and I didn't even explain sex to them first.
Posted by: Kathi D | June 20, 2009 at 12:22 PM
Thanks, my bloggy friends. I can't make this stuff up -- if you're around kids, you know how they are.
MT, yes, Smedley is the older of the two (Sparky just turned 6). Smedley tends to be cagier with her fascinations, whereas Sparky lets it all hang out and we can SEE the wheels turning. Smedley, though just as curious, lets her little sister take the emotional falls, ha ha.
S and Lynette, nice to see you here again!
Have a wonderful Saturday, everyone . . . with any luck I will clean my carpets today and be a happy, tired bear tonight. Cheers!
Laurie @ Foolery
Posted by: foolery | June 20, 2009 at 09:59 AM
And to think. This talk NEVER gets any easier...
Posted by: Lynette | June 20, 2009 at 09:39 AM
But hold on. Isn't Smedley older? And if so, how does Sparky know all this stuff about what you've done? Verrrry interesting... Also, impressive that you have two daughters two years apart with one one encounter. VERY impressive.
Posted by: MommyTime | June 20, 2009 at 09:08 AM
I nearly choked on my golden grahams cereal....that is too funny!!! :)
Posted by: S | June 20, 2009 at 07:59 AM
No wonder you needed to go on a beer run.
Posted by: Mental P Mama | June 20, 2009 at 05:46 AM
O.
M.
G.
Hilarious.
Posted by: Chesapeake Bay Woman | June 20, 2009 at 05:17 AM