Dope Slap: How We Should REALLY Be Using Twitter

After a year and a half playing around with Twitter, I finally understand its most important use:

Bragging.

It's so simple -- why didn't I think of it before?

Oh, you don't believe me? Well, how about some examples?

Here's a sentence I will never, ever write (for one, because it isn't true, and for two, because how snooty does THIS sound just hanging out in the air?):
I drive a late-model Bentley.

Well, with Twitter, you can impart that same critical piece of information like this:
Off 2 the Bentley dealership 4 scheduled maintenance -- tweet ya later!

And change THIS:
I'm vacationing in Dubai, AGAIN.

to THIS:
Because of the time difference here in Dubai I'll B tweeting in the middle of your night; back 2 normal in 3 weeks, Tweeps!

And while a person could be bitchslapped for THIS:
I am really thin and wear bikinis in public.

No one will hassle you for THIS:
In dressing room. 411 on [BRAND X] bikinis, Tweeps: they run large, so I'll bump down from my usual size 0 to a size -2.



Also, beginning Tweets with "Oh crap" adds to the general air of bemused ding-a-ling, who couldn't POSSIBLY be taken as a braggart, right?

• Oh crap, my MENSA membership dues are due next week.

• Oh crap, I left my other Prada bag at the Ritz Carlton -- at least it wasn't my favorite!

• Oh crap, I missed a call from Guy Kawasaki.

Broadcasts of good news on Twitter should begin with the acronym OMG ("Oh My GAHHHHHH!"). When you have to tell someone but can't find anyone, these Tweets take the place of tapping your janitor on the shoulder while he mops to tell him --

• OMG, my BF bought me a tennis bracelet, and this time there were no tennis balls on it!

• OMG, THE TEST WAS NEGATIVE!

• OMG, I JUST GOT CARDED!*

So, okay, Twitter, I get you now. Bragging without sounding like you're bragging. Far out. Now I just have to find something to not brag about.

BRB.


*For the purposes of full disclosure, the author wishes it known that this was, essentially, one of her own Tweets recently. Ahem.

OMG, follow me on Twitter -- @foolery!

Comments

[Big Hair Envy]

Sorry I missed this post. Angelina and I were dress shopping in Paris. Her lips aren't really as big as they look...the camera adds ten pounds. Tweet!

[Suz Broughton]

Genius! You're a flippin Genuis!

[Meg]

ZOMG I love this! Tweet ya l8r!

[The Glamorous Life]

In a full twist of irony. Or perfectness.

I just tweeted this post.

[Margo]

Great post! I was reading twitter today and thought, "why do I do this?" I blog, I facebook, why does everyone need to know my every move?? Then I read Mental P. Mama's post and came over hear. I'll be back!

[Ellie]

Wow. I think this is really funny? But I still don't know what the hell you're talking about.

[Cactus Petunia]

Oh Crap! I'm so busy tweeting I forgot to get a life!

[Kathi D]

I signed up for Twitter way back when, but I have never tweeted. My life is too boring even for my blog, so what could I possibly tweet about?

[Kathi D]

Oh crap, I left my size 0 bikini in the other Bentley, which is at the beach house, and this size 2 is just hanging on me.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

I wish I had time to be so technologically savvy, but between the scheduled maintenance on my 10-year-old Sonata and the glamorous demands of my job as an unfinished novelist, toilet scrubber and unpaid personal assistant, I barely have time to even think about bikini shopping, not that there is the slightest chance of a bikini-worthy day in this dreary little patch of Midwestern hell ... Tweet.

SK

[annbb/TSannie]

Obno tweets...gotta look out for them.
And a big congratulations for getting carded!

[Steven]

Thank you...thank you...thank you. I have been tempted to do exactly what you describe and now you have given me permission!

[Mental P Mama]

Did you really get carded? Awesome. I would've tweeted that, too. Now I want to go tweet something obnoxious.

[imom]

Oh Crap! I don't twitter.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

I"ve never tweeted but I'm pretty sure I've twitted.

On second thought, maybe I was just called a twit. That's it.

[Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy]

So, I should have Tweeted something like, "Oh crap, these red shoes don't quite match the outfit I bought them for?" Hee hee

[Bob Cleveland]

I'll have to have my people check into this as soon as Hilary lets me off the phone.