After a year and a half playing around with Twitter, I finally understand its most important use:
It's so simple -- why didn't I think of it before?
Oh, you don't believe me? Well, how about some examples?
Here's a sentence I will never, ever write (for one, because it isn't true, and for two, because how snooty does THIS sound just hanging out in the air?):
I drive a late-model Bentley.
Well, with Twitter, you can impart that same critical piece of information like this:
Off 2 the Bentley dealership 4 scheduled maintenance -- tweet ya later!
And change THIS:
I'm vacationing in Dubai, AGAIN.
Because of the time difference here in Dubai I'll B tweeting in the middle of your night; back 2 normal in 3 weeks, Tweeps!
And while a person could be bitchslapped for THIS:
I am really thin and wear bikinis in public.
No one will hassle you for THIS:
In dressing room. 411 on [BRAND X] bikinis, Tweeps: they run large, so I'll bump down from my usual size 0 to a size -2.
Also, beginning Tweets with "Oh crap" adds to the general air of bemused ding-a-ling, who couldn't POSSIBLY be taken as a braggart, right?
- Oh crap, my MENSA membership dues are due next week.
- Oh crap, I left my other Prada bag at the Ritz Carlton -- at least it wasn't my favorite!
- Oh crap, I missed a call from Guy Kawasaki.
Broadcasts of good news on Twitter should begin with the acronym OMG ("Oh My GAHHHHHH!"). When you have to tell someone but can't find anyone, these Tweets take the place of tapping your janitor on the shoulder while he mops to tell him --
- OMG, my BF bought me a tennis bracelet, and this time there were no tennis balls on it!
- OMG, THE TEST WAS NEGATIVE!
- OMG, I JUST GOT CARDED!*
So, okay, Twitter, I get you now. Bragging without sounding like you're bragging. Far out. Now I just have to find something to not brag about.
*For the purposes of full disclosure, the author wishes it known that this was, essentially, one of her own Tweets recently. Ahem.
OMG, follow me on Twitter -- @foolery!