Buttermilk Pancakes The Hard Way

I will skimp on wine, good coffee beans, haircuts, clothing, music -- pretty much everything, but I will NOT skimp on pancakes.

Yes, I have a bag of Krusteaz in my cupboard, but it may have weevils, I don't know, because I insist on creating a shitload of dishes every time and making pancakes the long way.  My mom's recipe, sort of.  Mostly.  And it may be a standard Every Person In The World Has This Recipe, You Dumb Cluck, I don't know.  Please don't tell me, if it is.  Let me keep living this lie.  Take down this recipe as if it's really, really special.  Oooo and ahhhh as if I'm a culinary genius.

Get syrup in your hair and tell me about it.

So here it is:

Buttermilk Pancakes The Hard Way

You will need the following hardware:

• a large bowl
• a medium bowl
• a whisk
• a large spatula
• spoons and stuff
• a small squirrel
• a griddle, or at least a good frying pan
• a stove
• a kitchen

You will need the following edibles:

• 2 or 3 eggs, your decision (tick tock . . .)
• 1 1/4 cup buttermilf.  Damn, slip of the tongue.  BATTERMILF
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 1/2 cups flour
• 1 tsp. salt
• 3/4 tsp. baking soda
• 2 tblsp. sugar
• 3 tblsp. butter, melted

First, separate the eggs.  Yolks go into the big bowl, whites go into the medium bowl.  Add the BATTERMILF* to the yolks, then the regular milf.*  Stir it up, baby, stir it up.  BUT NOT TOO MUCH!  (Did I scare you?  Sorry.)

Now for the dry ingredients.  Here's the weird part.  You can use regular flour, but I try to cram as much whole wheat flour into stuff as I can, so I use 1/2 cup each regular flour, whole wheat flour, and cake flour (for lightness).  This is NOT necessary, but is probably part of a larger illness I am refusing to acknowledge.  Dump 1 1/2 cups flour into a sifter, and add the salt, baking soda, and sugar.  Sift it right into the big bowl.  Stir it up, but only until it's just mixed -- still lumpier than a lazy advertising agency secretary's butt.  Now put it away and heat up your griddle -- 350F if you're particular, high heat then down to medium if you're sloppy.  I'm sloppy.

Melt that butter in the microwave -- how about 40 seconds on half power?  DON'T BOIL IT.  Let it cool off a minute while you beat the snot out of the egg whites.  Take your whisk and whip those whites into a froth.  Your forearms will thank me, and hate me.  Thank me.  Beat the whites until soft peaks form.  Or quit early; it's not that critical.  HA!

Sometimes I fold the egg whites in and then stir in the melted butter, and sometimes I do it the  other way around.  I'm sure there's a preferred way, but I'm here to tell you I have done both ways and it has not made a BIT of difference to my finished product, so you pick.  In any case, fold in the egg whites gently and mix in the butter only until it's mixed, not a second more.  Well, a second is okay.

Make your pancakes; you know the rest.  I think this should feed 5-6 normal people, or four gluttons.  You pick.  If you're in doubt, double the recipe.  Freeze the leftovers in a Zip-Loc.  Use real butter and pure maple syrup, or this whole dirty dish circus has been for naught.

* You do fnow I mean "buttermilk" and "milk," right?

Comments

[Suz broughton]

For heaven's sake, now I HAVE to try this and I really don't want to but you have made it the standard.

[Rebeckah]

These sound delicious to the max : ). And this is ABSOLUTELY a special recipe that noone has ever heard of before! Don't even worry about that for a second!

[jennifer]

You have my utmost respect ma'am. but I will continue buying frozen Walmart brand pancakes for those who want them around here (just my son eats them so...).

WOW but that is a lot of work for a pan fried cake!

Jen

[bejewell]

OHMYGOD THAT IS SO MUCH WORK. I needed a McDonald's Sausage McGriddle just to get through that recipe.

[Jason]

I actually hate pancakes. Well, usually. About once a year I feel like I might want one or two. But the rest of the time? They make me want to gag.

But yours? I'm sure they'd make me a new man.

[Cactus Petunia]

Mmmfph. Mmmm. Yum!

[vodkamom]

oh jesus. I LOVE me some pancakes. My ass doesn't love it, but I do.

yum. yum.

[David]

Is it bad that I microwaved the squirrel and tossed the butter out?
Just asking.

[andrea charroin]

I am with you, gotta make your own pancake batter! I like to add sour cream to my batter too!

[Bob Cleveland]

Y'all DO know about milf, I hope.

I hope.

[Rick's Cafe]

One could get filfy playing around with flour and buttermilf :)

[WaltzInExile]

Oh my hell. Real butter? Yummy creamy REAL butter? I can't wrap my brain around that. The envy is in the way.

[Ellie]

Really? All this? For pancakes? May I please have a glass of mediocre wine instead? ;)

[debbie]

Gotta have the buttermilk. That is key. And we are pancake gluttons in our family. I better triple that recipe.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

This illness you wish not to acknowledge...is it related to the buttermilf?