Welcome to My World

I wore a white shirt, a very full skirt and high-heeled slides to work today.  I think I looked fairly nice, and I even shaved my legs for the occasion.  But that's not what I'm here to tell you about, really.  I told you that so I can tell you this:

Smedley and Sparky went to Grandma's this afternoon, and I stopped there on my way home from work to pick them up.  Passed my dad feeding hay on the hay stack near the house; he looked preoccupied and didn't wave.

I was in their kitchen talking to Mom and gathering up the girls when Dad came in.  He had that look on his face -- you know the one?  The one that you've dreaded since first you could intellectually process people's expressions?  Dad's look said, "I am a man on a mission, and nobody and NOTHING will stand in my way."  Crap.  Get the keys.  Girls, leave your shoes -- run.

"Come help me move some cows," said Dad.  Double crap -- I'm too late to run.

"Laurie's in high heels -- I'll help you," said Mom.

"No no, I need all of you," said Dad.  All of us meant he was planning to move either A LOT of cows, or to move some very unwilling cows.  It turned out to be the latter.

This is one of the possible candidates.  I'll call her Number 26.  She looks like she can handle herself in an open field, non?

The way it should go:

• charts
• graphs
• aerial photography
• relief maps with scale figurines positioned exactly where their real live counterparts -- that'd be US -- should stand when moving aforementioned unruly cows
• press briefing
• coffee and snack cakes and general well-wishes

The way it actually goes:

• Dad brusquely waves his arm in the general direction of The Middle East as he walks off
• we all guess what he wants
• we all guess wrong
• yelling
• crying
• general unpleasantness
• some article of clothing gets ruined
• cows sense bad juju and it all goes to Hell in a handbasket

Remember the expression on the face of the cow above, because that's the expression the cow and her teenage calf were giving us during the entire, unfortunate cow-moving experience.  Possible thoughts running through their cow brains include, "Just how long have you been working cattle, anyway?" and "Yeah, I can take you all."

I remember tidbits of conversation . . .

". . . I am NOT going through that fence in this skirt . . ."  "HURRY UP!"  ". . . either you tell us where you want us or I'm going back in the house . . ."  ". . . home to change . . ."  "Mama, are you mad at Grandpa?"  "I am NOT walking through that water in heels!"  ". . . because it scares me when you get mad at Grandpa . . ."  ". . . over my dead body . . ."  "I stepped in another cow pie, Mama."

Of course, the cows got the better of us several times.  I'm usually the one who tries to outmaneuver the cows in such situations -- outrunning them, chasing them down.  But in high-heeled slides in a puddly pasture I was somewhat ineffective at running, especially saddled with two small children who are (justifiably) afraid of cows.  Cows are no threat to adults, but a beef cow will go after a child sometimes, maybe because children are roughly the size of dogs or coyotes.  And maybe it's just because she can.

This whole affair had "Candid Camera" written all over it.

Ultimately, with the help of a passing motorist, we were able to herd the two ornery animals across the road into their new pasture, without further incident.  Walking back to my parents' house along the road, my father bringing up the rear, his snarky attempt at humor and peace-making almost caused me to hurl my shoe at him:

"Laurie, those shoes are NOT appropriate for herding cows."

And then this:

"You should write on your blog about how you herded cows in stilettos."

"Oh, I'm way ahead of you, Dad," I said.  "Believe me, by the time I'm finished with my story -- and with you -- they'll be six-inch stilettos worn with a tight cocktail dress."

Butthead.

Comments

[mommypie]

Mkay, telling you how insanely funny you are has GOT to be getting old, no?

You are.

[Jason]

What a great post.

[kaffy]

What a hoot! Thanks to CBW for directing me to your blog. Your story is priceless. Mooooore please.

[ph]

It's all the heels' fault. If youda had on yer cowgirl boots, it all woulda went smoothe.

Soo funny! I'm trying to picture it, but I can't, somehow!

[Gubby]

Mom Bomb, You do all 3 to move cows. I think you are a natural cowgirl! Just call you the Cow Whisperer :-)

Laurie, When did your dad get rid of the play cows and get German Shepherds?

[The Mom Bomb]

You just made me smile at the end of the day, right before I have to put the kiddos to bed. And that is well nigh impossible to do.

How DO you move cows? Push their butts? Pull em with a rope? Call em like a kitty -- here, cow cow cow!

[Kit]

Love the tidbits of conversation! LOL!

[MamaMo]

Sometimes I forget how thankful I am that I don't live close enough to get pulled in to "family" projects anymore. Love your dad's sense of humor!!

[Cactus Petunia]

That was so funny, I was snorting, laughing and crying all at the same time...I especially like the diagram. Pioneer Woman's got nothin' on you!

By the way, I tagged you. You're it.

[Ok, Where Was I?]

I love those snippets of the conversations going on. Snorts. I'm still picturing it now and laughing. Surely the passing motorist must have wondered about your choice of herding attire.

[Maria]

My dad, too, has this thing where he mumbles and we are supposed to read his mind. THen he just points and because the answer is SO OBVIOUS we are supposed to KNOW it instinctively...but we end up looking blankly and he gets mad. Ah, yes. Fathers.

But now he's famous. On your blog. I'm SO glad you wrote about it. PERFECT blog fodder. LOL Get it? Father/Fodder...hahahahahaaa I crack myself up...

[MommyTime]

This is incredibly funny -- especially the list of how it actually went. It makes me glad I don't take care of cows for a living. And jealous that you have stiletto mules, which I've always wanted. Even if they aren't good for herding cows. I hope they weren't made of satin.

[Grandma J]

Couldn't do it, nope. Maybe if I was on a ride-um lawnmower or some kind of motorized vehicle that kept me off the muddy ground. You are the woman!

[david]

I'm with CB Woman. This may be my favorite foolery post.
Smiles all day thanks to this, and you of course

[24Crayons]

Your afternoon made me think about how much I love sidewalks and concrete.

Yup. LOVE sidewalks!

[Hallie]

Laughing my ass off!! This is hysterical!!

Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

OK, call me crazy--and you'd be correct--but this is my favorite foolery post ever. I laughed out loud prior to ingesting my usual pot of coffee, and that, my dear, takes a lot.

My favorite parts are the lists of how it should/did go, and the illustration. Priceless.

I just love this. Thank you for starting my day off just right.

-Cheeky

[Mental P MamaM]

Oh my God is that funny. Kinda makes you long for that road trip, non? Well, at least this explains your Twitter silence yesterday!

[Marcy Massura-The Glamorous Life]

Perfect comedy. I can see it all...and can I say-SO glad I wasn't there. Dads...man they can be a pain....and funny too!