Rounding Off the Asshat Week With a Q&A

(Photo stolen from these guys)

Come on admit it. There is no Chas, Nick Ass Hat, Smedley, Sparky or Gubby.  I think its time for you to come clean and admit that "Orland" is a mythical place located in a snowglobe sitting on your desk in your Manhattan high-rise office.  The truth will set you free!*

It's time to take a few Nick Asshat questions, but first, an apology.  I never expected this to be longer than a one-post story, and here it became FOUR posts.  And I never intended this to be Nick Asshat Week, but here we are.  So sorry, and I will be giving Nick a rest for a while.  BUT NOT FOREVER, because even now he is up to his shenanigans, I assure you.  There will always be more to hear from that guy.

The Mom Bomb said:  Admit it: This Nick Asshat is a creature of your imagination. It's impossible for so much assery to exist in one human being.  Miss Bomb, Nick is as real as the mole on Cindy Crawford's face, and realer (it's a word, tonight) than 92% of all the boobs in California.  I wish my imagination were that cunning, but it's not.

scuse me ma'am, but I work for Heidi Fliess asked:  Yea, but was he any good in the rack?  In a word?  Nope.

Crazy FrogPoot queried:  Were you Always that easy?  Maybe more impotently, "are you STILL that easy"?  Poots, if I'm your idea of "easy," you must have gone broke in college.  I am, however, a sucker for seeing a man cry.  There are two ways to go at that point: out the door, or straight into the arms of the Devil himself, and I obviously chose the latter.

MommyTime wanted to know:  . . . are Chas and Gubby the same person or two different people. And if the latter, how does Gubby fit into this whole story? I'm sorry if the answer should be obvious, but I've read the whole Asshat series and I still an unsure.  MT, Chas is my husband, whom I have known since age 29.  Gubby is one of my best friends, whom I have known since age 15.  I can't say for sure which one is more mentally challenged -- Gubby for hangin' out with the freak for close to 30 years, or Chas for marrying the freak.  But Gubby and I talk on the phone several times a week, and his phone number on the caller ID readout is DARN close to Nick Asshat's.  I've been fooled three times now, unfortunately.  Also?  Gubby leaves hit-and-run smart-ass comments here, and Chas does not.

Mental P Mama inquired:  Is Asshat married now?  Yes, he is.  We went to their wedding a few years ago.  It was lovely, but it's hard to get past the weirdness, still, you know?

ok, where was I just had to say:  I love the threesome photo, but I do not like "the end" part. Can't you just keep going?  I'll give you a break from N.A. for a while, but there is still more to tell.  Plus, I have to grill the husband for more tidbits.

Asthmagirl pressed:  ahem... so then what happened?  "Then" has been a series of gradually less uncomfortable get-togethers.  They are pretty pedestrian.  I still have to go back farther in time, B.C. (before Chas), and tell some jealousy stories . . .

Bob Cleveland pointed out:  I note that the representative snapshot of Nick didn't reveal a hat.  May I assume the reason to be that your last name of choice for him is indicative of where you told him he could put it?  Bob, where were you when I was getting all uppity?  I could have used your guidance in the assertiveness department!  And really, so few donkey owners these days are capturing their donkey moments in hats -- why is that?

Jason offered: Pardon me if I missed this detail, but why is "Asshat" his name?  Because any other appropriate appellation would have catapulted Foolery into the R-rating.  And because his real name is just too darned unique.  And because it made me laugh so hard I made donkey noises.



*Thanks to the real Gubby for finding this comment.  It remains one of my all-time favorites.

Comments

[Mantel Man]

Great stories, sis. Some of your readers' comments crack me up, too.

So when is "Mantel Man Week"?

'Course, I wonder what body part you would use to depict me...

[MommyTime]

I love you, Chesapeake Bay Woman, for making me feel not totally stupid about my Gubby confusion!

And thanks for all the clarification here, Laurie. I am extremely glad that the stories will continue. They make me (almost) inspired to write the saga of my own Asshatarific relationship... except I'm sure I can't tell it with nearly as much funny as you muster. :)

[david]

Option off the movie rights before some of your quick witted commenter's steal your gem of a story.So loving it

[Ok, Where Was I?]

Ok, sorry about that. But I guess after all these months my two year old felt the need to weigh in (while I was in the kitchen).

I like jealousy stories. They're never pretty. I have some of my own, and I that's not bragging.

I wish I thought that was too much assery to exist in one person. That would mean I didn't know one. And that would mean that I wouldn't know that there is much more to tell.

I'm kind of interested in the wedding and the girlfriend/wife (or husband, but that was a different ex, right?).

[Ok, Where Was I?]

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[Mental P Mama]

Well, now I just have more questions. Can't wait for more.

[Chesapeake Bay Woman]

I'm glad to finally know about Gubby, because I was cornfused on that one, but I stay cornfused most of the time.

Also, you can rest assured that Devil Asshat will not change his ways just 'cause he's married. I feel very sorry for that poor wretched woman, she has a life of misery in front of her.

Good for you for getting out and moving on!

Can't wait for more stories. These were great.