Sell Me Your Line of Bull

(Photo of bull judging stolen from these guys)

Red Bluff is a 30-minute car trip up I-5 -- 40 minutes if Dad is driving, and he was driving on Saturday.  I was squished into the back seat between two booster seats, not wearing a seat belt because we couldn't FIND it.  Smedley and Sparky filled the booster seats; Mom rode shotgun.

AM I INSANE?

Probably.

But I did what I swore I'd never do again, and I went to the Red Bluff Bull Sale* WITH MY FATHER and two short people.  Mom provided the sanity.

Now, don't misunderstand me:  I was happy to go to the bull sale.  It's the finest bull sale west of the Rockies, I'm told, and I don't doubt it.  The animals appeared to be top-notch (although I'm perhaps the last one on Earth to judge that, so don't listen to me).  I'm not really in the market for a bull, so I was just rubber-necking.  You know, soaking up the local color, learning a bit about bulls, and admiring a cowboy or two.  Well, a rancher or two.

I developed a teeny crush on the auctioneer.

No, the reason I swore I'd never go to another auction with my dad again is that he has a way of stretching what should be a one-hour experience into a half-day extravaganza.  He knows a lot of people in this part of the world, and a few from out of state who he's cornered talked to at past auctions.  Any one of those people could have been marked as his target; he'd start asking them questions you hear only on "Jeopardy," and then we'd never ever ever see home again.  Mom and the girls and I would die of exposure, or boredom, or acute systems failure at the Tehama County Fairgrounds.  But there I was, and there we were, and we had all ridden together -- on purpose --  in my parents' car.  I'll take that dope slap now, please.

I wanted to take pictures for y'all, but I didn't.  It was a gray and muddy day outside, so that was no good.  Inside the auction itself I was guessing I might get thrown out on my rear for using a flash, and I'd rather not be any more of a spectacle than I already was.  Plus, those bulls were a bit riled up, and I didn't want to be the one to send them over the top with my camera flash.


(Photo of bull judging stolen from these guys)

So we watched the auction for a while.  Have you ever been to a cattle auction -- anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Okay, so I didn't bring a tape recorder either.  Here's what it kind of sounds like, sort of:


Okay, I made up some of that, but you get the idea.  That guy could TALK!  I feel suddenly very sorry for his wife in an argument.  My teeny crush is waning now that I think about it.

Smedley made a big show of putting her hands up over her ears during the auction.  This caught my attention for two reasons.  First, I really didn't need to take a bull home this weekend, so I told her to put her hands in her lap and try not to move too much, fer cryin' out loud in a bucket.  Second, who is she trying to kid?  She's gonna have his job some day.  That child could outtalk that auctioneer and all of his auctioneer friends any day of the week.

Other than the beautiful bulls, the high-tech squeeze chutes (I'll let you look that one up) and the corn dogs, the most interesting sight of the day was a tiny perky blond woman in low-rise jeans taping a television segment, probably for the RFD network (which I call The Cow Show).  She had apparently wiped out Walgreen's pancake makeup and brick red lipstick supply that morning in preparation for the shoot.  She stood in a busy thoroughfare, a smooth professional amongst the Wranglers crowd, her lines perfectly memorized and injected with sparkle and energy.  These things I notice because my advertising job has sensitized me to them.  But what I couldn't take my eyes off of was the heavy western belt buckle, slung low on her tiny jeans.  The buckle was so heavy that it pooched her jeans out into a faux, um, package.  "Your face is all girl, but your jeans tell me otherwise," I thought.  Yes, I know I'm catty, but I had had enough of looking at the squeeze chutes.  Find your entertainment where you may.

We made it out of there with a bag of salt water taffy, muddy shoes, and no bovines.  And my dad ran into only one random guy to talk to, so the day was a huge success.  I can't wait for next year. 



*It's actually called the Red Bluff Bull & Gelding Sale, but I didn't see a single horse there, with or without testicles.

Comments

[BOSSY]

Auctioneers are definitely sexy.

[Snorpht FingerPooched]

Come on Jessie, lets go get 'Pooched'. We'll show the others how it's done!

[Asthmagirl]

Crap.... "weak" moment... not week

[Asthmagirl]

I tagged you. I had a week moment...

[BrokeBack Lemmiwinks]

Jeff, make that Heath Ledger autographed chaps.

[jeff in Idaho]

Mantle Man,

Please tell me you weren't wearing your Tom Cruise autographed Chaps when you typed "squeeze chute".

[Sarah is Ok]

mmmm....corndogs. You're so lucky. I can't wait to use this line somewhere:
"Your face is all girl, but your jeans tell me otherwise,"
and pretend that it's mine and that I'm that funny.

[foolery]

Mantel Man, I know what you meant to say, but you might want to rethink the analogy, pun intended. And also? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

By the way, happy birthday, MM.

[Mantel Man]

Ah yes - reminds me of us as kids, waiting in the car to leave on a family trip, when a salesman arrives to talk to Dad for "just a minute or two."

Your post made me hungry, by the way. It's been a while since a good corn dog passed through my squeeze chute.

[MommyTime]

This was a great read and reminded me of going to me one and only real rodeo ever (while visiting friends in Texas) which was way more fun than I ever would have thought.

And, as I learned this summer, State Fairs are pretty excellent places too. The things you don't learn growing up outside of Atlanta could fill a very large horse trough....

[Foolery]

Yup, stepped in some, too! Not the taffy, by the way. No, I loved it, Hallie -- I just should have been there without children so I could relax. And a beer would have been nice.

[Hallie]

Thank God you got taffy - otherwise the day would have been a complete bust!

Did you see any "bull" shit? :)

Hallie

[Foolery]

Dad bought a bull two years ago, and he's gone seriously looking over the years, but he doesn't need one, so NO, no bull.

And a squeeze chute is like a steel cage that immobilizes a large animal so you can perform nasty experiments on it. Kidding -- it's for veterinary or herd-checking operations. It gently squeezes the animal and keeps it from moving and from falling down in the chute while you perform nasty experiments on it. There, aren't you THRILLED to know that?!

[The Mom Bomb]

I'm dying to know: Did your Dad buy a bull? That one in the photos looks like a serious stud. And do tell: what are squeeze chutes? Being from Auburn, you'd think I'd know this stuff.

[24Crayons]

Oh my.

I really, I mean, oh my. I have a friend who used to do advertising/design for a 'cow magazine' out of Ft.Worth, and going to the stockyards, well that's an experience. Though, if you've ever been there, or plan on going, find Joe T. Garcia's so that you can have good Mexican food. Thats about the only thing I'd recommend about that part of my experiences there. Once they had a cows being herded through downtown Dallas.. does that happen there too? This is why I live in Virginia now. Yup.

[Snorpht said 'Pooched' not 'Poached']

Aue contrar mon ami Jess.

'Pooched Package' connotates nothing but Hotness.

[Jessica Keith]

Sounds like a fun day. I love people watching. That's one reason I have so much trouble in church and theatres. I can't stop watching and analyzing the people in the crowd.
Your description of the tv lady is hilarious. I think I've seen her at our mall on a Friday night. :)
And why would a "pooched package" make Snorpht think of me? I think I'm offended.

[Snorpht CowboyPoot]

Mmmmmm Pooched Package.
Drool
Now you got me thinking about Jessie again. Yum. Come on baby, lets hit the Squeeze Chutes together.

O, and Eat Me!

[Asthmagirl]

You lead such an exciting life! Thank you for not using the flash around the bulls. Thank you for the fascinating description of the little ladies package. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep nights!