The Fart Shoes

This is something I wrote in May but never published on Foolery.  Since I am writing about Mervyn's today I thought I'd put it up.

Picked up a new pair of shoes last night.  I was in a hurry, trying to hustle the two little girls (in their brand new Cute Little Girl shoes -- everybody say AWWWWWWW) through the store to the cash register.

"But Mama," says Smedley, "Aren't YOU gonna get new shoes, too?"

Indeed.  You have learned well, Grasshopper.

Trouble was, I had almost NO time and we were in Mervyn's, which is not high on my list of places to shoe shop without irony.  So I pretty much grabbed something, shoved my foot into it, checked the price, and headed for the register.

They'll do.

So, of course, I had to wear them today.  My regret over the cheapness of the shoes was soon overshadowed by something much more sinister, much less expected.

The shoes make FART SOUNDS when I walk.

I kid you not.  Phffp, Phffp, Phffp down the hall.  Phffp, Phffp, Phffp to the bathroom.  Phffp, Phffp, Phffp to the copy machine.

I want to scream, "IT'S NOT ME, I SWEAR!  IT'S THESE DAMN SHOES!"  But I'm counting on the poor hearing and lack of imagination of my coworkers to save me from mortal embarrassment.

Now if the damn shoes smell, too, they're in the trash.

Comments

[Auds at Barking Mad]

This is why, whilst I LOVE how comfy my Crocs are, I won't wear them outside the house.

[foolery]

Hmmmm . . . I have a very high arch, so that's not the problem here. It's just bare skin against CHEAP SHOE, I think.

[Jessica Keith]

I have a pair of fart shoes! Only they're Walmart flip-flops I wear around the house. See, the problem is, I'm flat-footed and every once in a while the place where I should have an arch will somehow make an air pocket with the shoe, and Presto! Foot fart. It's very random, so that the embarassment never really wears off. That's what you get for three bucks.