Saturday night I had a near-death experience
when I put the most foul, most awful, most repulsive substance ever conceived
into my mouth. While driving. And I had no place to spit it out.
10:30 at night, while driving home from Chico
where I returned my friend Cheryl and her daughters to Grandma's house, I got
the bright idea to try a new-to-me candy in my purse. I had been given two of
these candies by The Nicest Man In The World, to give to my daughters. (He
loves kids, owns a convenience store, and often gives the girls lollipops. Now
stop thinking nasty thoughts, you.) The
candies in question were Mexican candies, so I knew better than to let the kids
pop them into their mouths unless I had tried the candy first. But who would be
So, zipping along the canal road in the dark, I
dug through my purse for six minutes until I found that stupid candy. Popped
one into my mouth. Chewed.
Bad idea. INSTANTLY knew it was a bad idea. I
couldn't have known what was in the thing because it was too dark to read the
wrapper, but later I learned that the hatefulness came from tamarind flavor.
The wrapper describes it thus:
"Caramelo con relleno sabor tamarindo," which
translates "tamarind-flavored caramel candy with chili." Mmmmmm,
I think I could get them for false advertising.
Maybe I could supply an alternate product description for them:
"Tastes like foot odor, if foot odor had a
taste, with liberal doses of aspirin and vomit."
So there I was, driving along wondering exactly
how long it would take to wolf that puppy down, and would the taste linger in
the crevices of my teeth until I could scrub the hell out of my mouth with
a Colgate-loaded toothbrush? I stopped to take note of my body during the
jaws: chewing like my life depending on
fingers: locked in white-knuckle death grips
around my steering wheel
shoulders: hunched as if expecting body
face: contorted in other-worldly grimace of
How would I have explained it to the sheriff had
I been pulled over for speeding and/or weaving? Probably by foaming at the
mouth, spitting while he held my hair back, and gasping, "Rellerindos!
Rellerindos!" I think I would have walked.