My Day Off Revisited

I'm going to cheat and post something I wrote about five years ago.  It's a true story.  I really did prune the snot out of a fig tree to enable my chickens to get into their coop to roost, but I wouldn't expect you to be able to understand that after reading this.  Just pretend your name is Bathshethusabub or something Biblical, and you'll pick up the rhythm.

(Oh, and coyotes and dogs picked off the chickens one by one, and we didn't replace the birds.  The fig tree eventually won.) 

My Day Off

And The Father Said, "Manage Thy Chickens, Daughter,
For They Runneth Amok!

Come, Take My Hand Saw
And Cut Down The Fig Tree
(Which You Failed To Conquer
Lo These Many Months Ago
When Thou Wert Pregnant)
Which Groweth Over The Hen-House Door.
Then May Your Chickens Roost,
And Lay,
And Doeth All Manner Of Chicken Things
In the Hen House
Instead Of Runneth-ing Amok!"

And The Woman His Daughter Saw That It Was So,
And Argued Not,
For Well Would It Have Been Pointless So To Do.

And The Woman His Daughter Went Forth
To Borrow The Favored Hand Saw Of Home Depot
And Gathered Up She-Who-Would-Not-Nap
And Various Chew Toys
And Water-From-A-Store
And A Couple Of Cats
And Made Ready To Cut Down The Fig Tree
Which So Inhibiteth The Chickens.

And The Father Saw That It Was So
And Smil-ed He,
For It Was Good,
And The Giants Were On.

Now Flay, Flay, O Daughter,
Flay The Evil Fig Tree
Which Beareth Not Figs
But Only Sticky Sap
And Apparently Mosquitos By The Cubit

And Cutteth Not The Hose
Which Leadeth To The Water Dish
For The Aforementioned Chicken...eths.

And Feareth Not The Black Widow
Which Thou Have Not Seen,
But Only Imagined,
Though The Little Bastards Hideth Everywhere.

Saw, Woman, Saw
Even As She-Who-Must-Be-Hungry-By-Now
Fusseth
In Her Conveyance From Costco.

Yea, Verily, It Was So,
And The Woman Did Saw,
And The Fig Tree Did Begin To Yield,
Though Not Without A Lot Of Complaining From
Both-eth.

Until She-Who-Also-Smells
Had Had-eth Enougheth
And The Mosquitos Did Land
And The Fig Tree Did Win For Another Year.

But Now The Hen House Door Openeth
And So The Chickens Will Now Cease To Run Amok
And Will Beareth Eggs A-Plenty
We Hopeth.

Here Endeth The Lesson.

Comments

[Jessica K]

Oh my goodness. That is the best post in the history of posts! You are one-of-a-kind!

[Laurie]

It was meant to be my daughter, but you're right -- it applied to me as well. A shower took care of me, but my daughter needed something more. Thanks!

[Yummy Mommy]

One thing though - is "she who also smells" you, or your daughter? I'm afraid I'll have to reduce your mark to an A for lack of clarity.

[Yummy Mommy]

OMG that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time...besides some of my student's work, but unfortunately most of them aren't trying to be funny, so...

Anyhoo, as an English teacher- A+ on that one!